Saturday, September 29, 2007

Irish famine blamed on Marlon Brando

The Irish potato famine of the 1840’s was the fault of dead legendary fat method actor Marlon Brando, is the dramatic claim made in a new book by Irish one-hit-wonder, Sinead O Connor.

O’ Connor, famous as the demented, bald singer of “Nothing Compares 2U”, claims she has evidence to support the wild claim.

Marlon Brando was a product of the American system of mass production”, moaned O Connor from her stone cell monastery, “the corporate forces of Hollywood encouraged the cultivation of the potato, which was exported to the States in vast quantities to feed laboratory monkeys used in the thriving cosmetic industries of the Victorian age. Marlon Brando was the man who benefited the most from these face care products, churning out millions of dollars worth of movies which were in turn distributed as evil propaganda for the poor Irish slaving away in the British owned workhouses of the age”.

When asked about how this frankly illogical scheme could have happened when Marlon Brando wasn’t even born at the time, O’ Connor gave an emphatic – but equally mad – answer.
The cap Marlon Brando wore in The Wild One appears in several photographs taken in rural Ireland during the famine times. And there was only one such hat every made. And that was for Marlon Brando. Proof positive”, said a wild eyed O Connor as she stroked a wooden log.

How Marlon Brando Ruined The Irish By Stealing Their Potatoes” is available in stores on Friday.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Paris Hilton’s Rwanda trip

Air-head heiress, Paris Hilton, is enjoying the sights and sounds of poverty stricken, previously war-torn nation Rwanda. Miss Hilton was met by Rwandan Cultural Minister Badu Musambeya.

A local reporter from the Kigali Daily News asked Paris what the hell she is doing in their country.
I just love drag queens”, smiled Paris, “and I wanted to come see the inspiration for my favorite movie”.
The confused reporter looked bewildered but Paris continued.
Tootsie. Don’t you just love Dustin Hoffman is that movie”.

The reporter pointed out that she was getting the movie confused with the African Tutsi tribe.
We have two dominant tribes in Rwanda”, explained Culture Minister Musambeya, “the Hutu and Tutsi”.
Oh, I love that band”, smiled Paris, “Bono is such an inspiration”.
The assembled crowds were seen shaking their heads in disbelief at her dumbness.
Mister Musambeya explained, “that’s HUTU, Miss Hilton, HU-TU”.

Paris’ next stop was to be at a genocide memorial to mark the atrocities of 1994.
Authorities instead wisely decided it would be wise to take her to a local McDonalds burger joint instead, where Paris enjoyed a Happy Meal and was seen playing with the free toy and babbling merrily to herself.

Bill Cosby banned from Great Wall of China

Cosby show jazz lover, Bill Cosby has been banned from the Great Wall of China for life, according to Communist Party Officals. Cosby claims he knows of no reason for the ban:
Ya see”, jived Cosby, “I’m so busy with the jazz, that I can’t be responsible for what the jazz happens out there (The Great Wall)”.

Communist Offical Fuk Yu explained the reasons for the dramatic move:
Mr Cosby caused mayhem with his wild use of ‘jazz-hands‘, which in our country it is a very bad thing. He spread his crazy jazz ideas to our people by writing “jazz poetry“ all over the structure. How would you like if I went to the Statue of Liberty and drew a moustache and comedy glasses on her face? You wouldn‘t like it, would you. That is what Mr Cosby did to our beloved wall”.
Cosby later admited to covering almost twenty miles of the Great Wall in what he called “jazz poetry”.

They needed to know what-the-jazz, the jazz is”, pleaded Cosby as he was deported.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Sister Act actress trapped in chimney

Big boned comedian Kathy Nijimy, who played a jolly nun in the Sister Act movies is fighting for her life after getting trapped in a chimney.
Nigimy was heard screaming “Oh, god, not again”, as she poked her head up above the chimney pot.

Firefighters fought for 16 hours to free the comedian after their attempts where hampered by a plague of locusts and a tornado.

Conditions were not ideal”, understated Fire Chief Waldo Baggins,Miss Nagimy is a large woman. How she came to be trapped in a chimney is a mystery but we eventually managed to free her”.

Flown to a private hospital, Nagimy was rushed to intensive care. At her bedside was friend Whoopi Goldberg.
I don’t know what she was thinking going up there again. Once is forgivable, twice is insane”, coughed Goldberg as she sucked on the end of a lit drainpipe.

Nagimy has claimed she was “researching a role”, which was exactly the same thing she said when the same thing happened back in 1999.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Madonna given “arguido” status in missing Madeleine mystery

Pop superstar Madonna was today made a formal suspect by Portuguese police investigating missing British toddler Madeleine McCann.

Madonna is now an arguido in our ungoing investigation”, said Detective Jose “ The Special One” Mourhino earlier today, “her previous record of taking a child from a Malawian man made us suspicious of her”.

Madonna, who has toured in Portugal before and was allegedly spotted hiding in a bush outside the Playa de Luz complex around the time of the child’s disappearance, has remained tight-lipped. Either that or she was too botoxed and was unable to move her mouth.
An eyewitness, Kelly Lyar, claims to have seen Madonna lurking around the holiday complex on the night Madeleine went missing.

I saw a bush kind of moving and then I noticed something sparkly. I looked a little closer and then I realized it was Madonna wearing a diamond studded lycra bodysuit. I couldn’t believe it, I really couldn’t. I says to my fella, “’ere look at that, Tony, that’s Madonna that is”, and he say’s “Oh, don’t be a stupid cow, c’mon lets go and get pissed”.”

Unfortunately Kelly is an unreliable witness, having before claimed that she spotted both Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears in the same bush weeks previously. But Portuguese police have taken her claims seriously.

Madonna has form”, said Detective Mourhino, “she is the predatory type. We believe she may be part of a group of wealthy female American entertainers who kidnap kids. We have our eye on Angelina Jolie, Mia Farrow and a few other ladies too.

It was also revealed that mime artist Marcel Marceau came forward with information before his death last week.
We never got to hear what he said”, said Mourhino, “he hung up before saying a word but we suspect it may have something to do with his old friend Michael Jackson. Or maybe not”.

Kate and Gerry McCann have welcomed the move forward in the search for their daughter.
I never trusted the dirty cow since that whole David Banda thing”, said Gerry McCann describing Madonna, as he and Kate locked their twins in the boot of a hired car.
The kids will be safe in there”, Kate added, “we are very good parents. Honest.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Hollywood Big Noses gather to celebrate at Annual Event

A glittering array of stars turned out last night for the 42nd annual Nosey’s. Celebrating the best and the brightest big nosed stars, the event attracted such luminaries as Barry Manilow, Barbara Streisand, and Pete Townsend of The Who, who arrived with someone else’s children.

I’m delighted to be here”, said nominee Sean Penn, “I rowed here in a bathtub after another of my homes burned down but this whole occasion has cheered me up”.

Tennis ace, Steffi Graf spoke briefly: “A few years ago I won Best Supporting Female Nose but this year I’m just happy to be nominated”, she lied.

British big nose Rod Stewart was in great mood: “I bumped into Ronnie Woods (The Rolling Stones) back stage and we shared a hankerchief”.

A special award was posthumously awarded to legendary performer Jimmy Durante for “Outstanding Achievemnt in Big Noseness”.
Full results are available online somewhere - probably.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Paris Hilton Keyboard ensures easy web access to the socialite

A computer keyboard has been launched by Microsoft, which ensures that you get all the latest Paris Hilton news. Dubbed the “Paris-Pad”, the keyboard features a single button marked “Paris Hilton”.
We aim this product mostly at Paris fans”, said evil Microsoft hunchback, Bill Gates, “but it’s not solely limited to just fans”.

Retailing at $50, the same price as Paris’ mechanical ear, the “Paris-Pad” links directly to the parishilton.crap webpage.

Why waste time typing in words?”, said Gates, “when all most people want to find out is about Paris Hilton and what she‘s up to”.
Sales of the “Paris-Pad” have sky rocketed, with tabloid journalists most eager to get their hands on the product.

Half Badger, Half Crocodile revealed to be Not Christina Aquilera

Residents of a quite suburb in Miami FL, have breathed a collective sigh of relief following the announcement by Miami Dade PD that a creature discovered in the florida everglades is not singing windbag Christina Aquilera.

At a hastily arranged press conference, Detective Walt Teaser described their finding in detail:
What we have here is a mammel-reptilian hybrid that is half badger and half crocodile. Forensic results can confirm that it is not in any way related to Christina Aquilera. The state of emergency has been lifted and you can all go safely about your business as normal

The town of Fiasco was put on red alert after a fisherman came upon the beast nestled in the long grass by a riverbank.
It scared the heck out of me”, said fisherman Dan Reichter, “I was sure it was one of them Aquilera things”.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Large, hairy men form human shield around Robin Williams house

It has been reported that a human ring of burly hirsute men have gathered around the luxurious home of comedian Robin Williams.

The drastic step was taken following an unidentified callers claim that Williams was to be the latest target of a spate of shaving attacks in the celebrity area’s of Hollywood.

I was scared sh*tless”, said neighbor and Esperanto speaker, William Shatner, “the thought that something like that could happen in this neighborhood makes me very worried. When I think of what they could have done to Robin‘s hairy shoulders and back it just makes me shiver all over”.

A spokesman for “Selebrity Security”, the security firm employed by Williams and other well known homeowners, explained the “Hairy man” defence technique:
In order to get to the occupant, the intruder must first fight through the gauntlet of specially trained, extremely hairy men. The assailant, usually armed with a common electric shaver will pretty much always fail as either the blades clog up or he runs out of battery power”.

Police sources say they are hunting a white Caucasian male, dressed like the McDonalds Hamburgler.

Mental patient thanks Oprah for shooting his talking dog

A mental patient has praised the TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey for shooting his poodle with her AK-47 assult rifle.

Alvin Chipmonk, 43, from Housten TX, was ecstatic in his delight at Winfrey’s intervention:
Oprah, you saved my life. If it wasn’t for you I may just have done something real bad. That dog of mine was a ticking time bomb, always telling me to do bad things”.

Winfrey fired on the dog while out walking with her friend Gayle at the “Benjamin Bonkers Asylum for the Insane” when she came upon the animal.

Now everybody knows I love my guns”, boomed Winfrey, “and my good friend Gayle said ‘Oprah, look at that talking dog over there’. It was lucky I was carrying my gold-plated Kalashnikov at the time”.

The dog, Mister Tibbs, is in a comfortable position in hospital but doctors say he will never speak again.

Kelly Clarkson urges Pope Benedict to stop stalking her

Original American Idol Winner, Kelly Clarkson has written an open letter to show business paper Vanity urging Pope Benedict XVI to cease his constant following of her.
The letter reads as follows:

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Please desist from following me. You are a grown man and father, with another child on the way with Paris Hilton.

You are, like me, a famous person who has responsibilities to your fans and general public.
Don’t you feel ashamed? Leave me alone and stop calling me, following me and sending me flowers.

We could never be. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull.

Yours hatefully,

Kelly Clarkson
Chubby Singer/ Humanitarian”

The Pontiff has so far made no comment but sources reveal that a pope-mobile matching the description of Benedict’s has been spotted parked across the road from Miss Clarkson’s Hollywood home.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Tom Cruise and John Travolta convert to new Sausagology religion

Tom Cruise and John Travolta have switched from one cult to another equally bonkers one.

Scientology was fun”, said Travolta, “but I needed something that was crazier and made less sense”.

The growing religion of Sausagology teaches believers that the universe was created by the Great Sausage God zillions of years ago and that the earth and all it’s creatures, including human beings, were formed for the purpose of spreading the gospel of sausage to unsuspecting fools.

“I just think it’s great”, grinned new face of garden gnomes, Cruise, “Sausagology allows me to be who I really am. My life has changed. Plus I don’t have to pay millions of dollars each year to keep the damn religion off my back”.

Meetings take place at various sausage centers around the country, where the congragents gather to talk about sausages and sing songs about sausages and do other sausage-based things.

But we are forbidden to actually eat sausages”, added Cruise, “which is really hard for John (Travolta) to not do, seeing as he's such a fat bast*rd”.

Communist Party stages Belly Dancing festival of culture

The Chinese Communist Party, noted for it’s charitable works and general kindness, has staged a muti-cultural belly dancing festival along the streets of Bel Air.

We thought it was time to show our appreciation of our wonderful American friends", said party spokesman Fuk Yu.

The festival, entitled “Jolly Jolly Happy Happy Belly Dancing Time”, attracted a crowd of Communist and non-Communist alike.

I’m here for the belly’s”, said grizzled actor Nick Nolte.

Another attendee was Professor Steven Hawking and his robot.
Now this is what I call a Communist Par-tay!”, electronically commented the wheelchair bound Professor.

Fuk Yu was pleased with the days events.
It was very jolly. Lots of good time had by all and we raise lot of money for our millionaire leaders back home to build nice things for next years Olympic Games”.

Sales of fake voices exceed those of cinema admissions

Spiderman 3 and Transformers may have packed them in at the box-office but movie earnings fall way begind those of fake voices.
Spurred by the demands of Hollywood celebrities, fake accent sales have gone through the roof with prices ranging from $5 to $500,000.

Madonna is a big spender”, said Jimmy Jimjimwolawolah of fakecelebaccents.crap, “she buys from us all the time, usually Victorian British accents the kind nanny’s used to speak”.

Mike Myers and Robin Williams are partial to a little fake Scottish, which they tend to uveruse a bit too much for my liking. We have a host of Aussie actors such as the lead guy that was in The Guardian and the main guy from Nip Tuck - now they spend a lot on high grade US accents”.

Celebrity attention such as this has encouraged regular citizens to splash their cash to the tune of almost 8 billion dollars.

We had a woman from Michigin order a bunch of Romanian accents last week”, said Jimmy, “but I’m guessing it was probably just Madonna again".

New “Best Retard” Oscar to be awarded at Academy Awards Show

Next years Oscar ceremony will see the handing out of a new award for “Best Retard”.

It’s in recognition of all the hard work some actors put into their performances to be handicapped or deformed in some way”, said Academy spokesman Hugh Aryue.

Tom Hanks, who has won the Best Actor oscar a number of times undeservedly believes he’s in with a chance.

“I have a new film coming out called Mikey the Mongo Boy where I play the title character. Think of it as Forrest Gump meets Sloth from The Goonies”, said the multi-chinned lardy actor.

Brad Pitt also has his eye on the prize.
I think I could win it just by playing myself”, said Pitt during day release from Angelina Jolie’s care.