Friday, November 30, 2007
The Earth lost almost 1/6th of it's population today following a disaster involving former Hollywood heart-throb Richard Gere.
The star, who famously made a fool of himself a number of months back with Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, was on a fact-finding mission to Bombay when all hell broke loose. Gere went wild after a night of hard partying with a sacred cow and embarked on a spree of mayhem unseen since the day's of Nazi handbag-lover Adolf Hitler.
"Mister Gere pulled down his pants, such was his great merriment", gasped one lucky eyewitness who managed to flee the country in a chartered helicopter with just seconds to spare, "and the entire country and all it's beautiful peoples and interesting heritage and customs, vanished up his bottom, Whoosh, just like that".
Of all Gere's pranks - people may remember him from the time he electrocuted a bus-load of school kids with an electric chair and claimed he was 'researching a role' - this is the most 'troubling'.
"I apologise profusely", said Gere through an interpreter earlier today, "I don't know what I was thinking. I was out of my mind with joy at being welcomed to this once amazingly diverse nation.
"I was sure that when they said that India was the 'sub-continent', that they would have a replacement for it on the bench."
"Please accept my sincere apologies and a box-set of DVD's of my favorite movies, such a s Pretty Woman, An Officer and A Gentleman and The Mothman Prophesy".
The nation of India now joins a hamster inside Gere's posterior.
"I don't know how or why he did such a terrible thing", said Ravjesh Krampakur, one of the last surviving Indians in the world, "who could have thought that he was capable of such madness?"
Esteemed surgeons from all across the globe have declined to operate on Gere for fear that they too may get too close and get sucked into the abyss.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Hollywood legend Jack Nicholson is to get a once off Holiday special TV talk show where he interviews friends while under the influence of narcotics.
"Smoking Crack with Jack" is produced by HBO and is scheduled to air on Christmas day. The shows producer, Larry Bazterde, said the old time womaniser didn't need much persuasion to come on board:
"We just dangled some white powder in front of him. Literally dangled on a long stick with a string. Jack immediately said he'd do it".
The most controversial part of the show - apart from the on screen smoking of crack cocaine, heroin and imbibing of liquid LSD, of course - is the part where Jack invites long time pal Roman Polanski to his house to meet a surprise guest.
"Roman thinks its just gonna be himself, Jack, maybe Warren Beatty and some 'young' people. So Jack smuggles Roman back into the country and plies him with drink and drugs", chuckles Bazterde, "Boy does he get a shock when he realises that it's just a mock up of Jacks mansion we built on the studio lot in front of a couple of hundred cheering audience members! - and they're all street addicts! What a hoot!"
The mood certainly changes when Jack wheels in none other than convicted celebrity murderer Charles Manson - the very man responsible for the murders of Roman's wife Sharon Tate and friends at his house back in the late 60's.
"Jack just cracks up when he see's Roman's reaction, but there's more", say's a now hysterical Bazterde, "Jack then tells Roman that he's called the cops and they're waiting outside to arrest Roman for his previous offenses. Well, Roman freaks out and escapes.He's still out there somewhere in the Hollywood Hills".
Nicholson, who famously smoked lots of marijuana during the shooting of the classic movie Easy Rider, then interviews old friend 'mad' Dennis Hopper.
"Dennis Hopper is a wild man", says Bazterde, "and in text book Hopper form, Dennis throws a fit. The man frickin' attacks the audience with a rubber duck, claiming he's the reincarnation of the child actor who played Alfalfa in The Little Rascals. The audience are so stoned from the fumes billowing throughout the studio, that they just watch on inanely and applaud."
The show ends with Jack and a Bing Crosby impersonator singing yuletide classic "White Christmas" while covered in a suspicious white substance.
"This one is for all the family at Christmas time", blabs Bazterde, " The true spirit of Christmas is celebrated for all Americans with a little bit of Hollywood magic".
Friday, November 9, 2007
Pope Benedict XVI, supreme leader of the Catholic population of the world is to quit his position after finding out that the figure his religion is based on was a fake.
The Vatican is in a state of disarray today after the announcement by a team of Dutch scientists who have forensically proven that Jesus was not in actual fact the Son of God, but merely a crap magician's assistant who prowled the middle East over 2000 years ago.
Vatican spokesman, Father Anus Prhoeb, had this to say to the throng of international reporters camped at St Peters basilica: "The holy Father is pissed off - and so am I for that matter. Can you imagine the embarrassment of quite literally putting your entire faith into a man who turns out to be a spoofer.
"Pope Benny is 80 years old. he's been believing this lark for all his life. And for what? Bullsh*t. We should have guessed it much earlier. C'mon, the signs were obvious: the cheesy wedding party wine tricks and that loaves and fishes thing is straight out of a cheap Vegas variety show."
The Dutch scientists took a sample of DNA from a fragment of an ancient diaper - which is said to be the one the baby Jesus wore in Bethlahem when he was born in the stable - and compared it to a sample from the hankerchief of a con-artist magician's assistant known as Dave who was at work in the Holy Land at the time of Jesus' life. The similarities were remarkable and were an almost perfect match - 99.6% conclusive.
"Jesus was Dave the Magic Guy", said Doctor Ruud Boye who led the forensics team who did the research, "Dave worked the sleazy clubs in Nazareth and places like that as an assistant to various popular magicians of the time. But he got tired of always playing second fiddle and decided when he was about 30 years old to go out on his own. This whole Christianity malarky is the work of someone who could have written for a spoof website and grabbed thousands of hits."
"All the major religions of the world regard Jesus as a holy man or prophet so in essense Dave fooled everybody, not just Christians. The protestant religion will just keep up the show 'cause they aren't really bothered so much with the J-man but the Roman Catholics are f*cked. Christamas may have to be renamed Dave's Day."
As for Pope Benedicts future, some have speculated that the shrivelled old prune may try to keep out of the spotlite and keep a low profile alongside his fiancee Paris Hilton who is pregnant with his child and due to give birth in late december.
Hugely popular Russian televison newscaster Yelena Mankchekova has admitted that she has been making up news stories and using them in her nightly broadcasts which attract a viewership of almost 60 million of the countries vodka swigging population.
She convinced her people and President Vladimir Putin that the USA is melting and is being run by Oompa Loompas, that Abraham Lincoln is alive and well in a cryogenic state from which he rules over his enslaved people with an iron fist. She also told them that Hitler was back in town and advised the countrys children to go to sleep early in case Der Fuhrer may kipnap them and send them to work in his shoe-making factories. She also said that all men over the age of 21 must send their gold teeth to a postal address number which she now admits was owned by her.
Miss Mankchekova, 38, presenter of Russia Today, the nations second most watched programme after Dancing with Yuri the Siberian Bear, made the statement after a work colleague and former boyfriend made allegations in a letter to members of the Russian parliment.
Last nite, Miss Mankchekova made the following unscheduled statement live on air:
"Comrades, it has come to my attention that my pig former boyfriend has made comments about me behind my back. To save further torment I will come clean and admit my wrongdoings. For the past number of years I have been, how shall I say, 'twisting' the truth. Comrades I beg your forgiveness, especially mighty comrade Putin."
Valdimir Putin is said to be very upset and is in a state of shock. It was Miss Mankchekova's insistance that the United States and it's she-male warrior princes were set to invade the country that encouraged the Russian premier to take an aggressive stance and establish a new missile defense system along the borders.
It is not known why Miss Mankchekova decided to behave in this manner but the disgraced newsreader - who performs topless on air each Christmas to raise money for Russian donkeys - has been suspended and sent to a Siberian gulag for some "rest and recooperation".
Monday, November 5, 2007
The chief of domestic intelligence in Britain has stated that at least 20 million people in Britain pose a "direct threat to national security and public safety" because of their potential to grow beards.
The figure is not new - PM Gordon Brown talked of it earlier in the year - but Johnathon Tossface, head of the MI5, went even further, saying there might be another 40 million would-be terrorists not yet known to the authorities.
Speaking at a conference in Madchester - where he was attending a concert by sh*t band Oasis - Tossface also said that extremists in Britain were more likely than before to be connected to networks in other countries, and they were increasingly grooming children and young people to carry out terrorist attacks.
"We have evidence of children as young as 5 being groomed by extremist barbers", said the chief, "imagine a five year old with a beard? And that includes girls. Some of them children can be very hairy indeed".
Opponents of the government, however, pointed out that the speech is a "load of codswallup" and "bunkum".
Barry Normal, of the Society for Free Thinking and Living Without Political Bullsh*t (S.F.T.L.W.P.B), says:
"The population of Great Britania is only about 60 million gentlefolk. M15's assertion is that everyone may be a terrorist.What a pile of snuff".
But Gordan Brown supports the M15 chiefs stance saying:
"Evidence has shown that people with beards are more likely to cause trouble. Look at the history: Che Guevara - bloody troublesome git;the IRA were all a bunch of beary weirdies and look at the trouble they did to us; Guy Fawkes had a very pretty beard but his lot tried to blow the sh*t out of us back in the olde days.
"History has shown us that beard wearers are a nuisance. That Al Quaeda lot all have bloody great big beards, dont they. What about that Osama Bin whatisname fellow. What's his game, eh? Hiding I tell you. Hiding from the stern fatherly hand of papa Brown. Well no more shall they. Off with their hairyness. Smooth skin and a good table manners are the way to good citizenship"
"The dramatic increase in beards in this fine nation is cause for great concern. I vow to rid our country and the world of hairy faces".
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Pop superstar Madonna has signed a deal worth millions with his satanic magesty, The Devil. At a press converence in Malawi, the singer announced the details of the deal to the astonished press.
"I am saddened to be leaving Warners, who I have been working with for 25 years. But I am completely delighted to sign this megabucks deal with The Devil. I will be richer than I was before. Which is nice, mothaf*ckas", said Madonna, accompanied by a number of orphans and hangers-on.
The terms of the deal include a clause whereby Madonna must hand over her soul to Satan. This detail has caused much head scratching as many believed she had already given it to him years ago.
The Devil, himself resplendent in Gucci hooves and Armani suit, outlined the main points of the arrangement.
"She gets as much power, money, mansions, beach houses, record sales, servants faberge eggs as she wants. She will never age from this point onwards. I mean physically, or should I say "externally". On the inside she'll rot like a year old turnip. SHe'll have perfect teeth, hair, skin and be incredibly bendy so she can do as much of that yoga crap as she likes. But her internal organs are mine. I need 'em to get to that soul. It's in there somewhere, I know it is. And that baby's mine" .
Madonna's husband, film director Guy Richie, was asked to comment their future togerther now.
"May I talk, Mommy?", timidly asked the man child as he gazed upwards at his super rich wife before continuing when given a discreet nod of approval, "I sold my soul to the mister Devil man so that I could marry Madonna but my contract should be up soon.I aint gonna see a cent, mate. Baby Banda's getting the lot when she eventually pops 'er clogs. So basically I'm f*cked".
Madonna has warned that she will be releasing an album of childrens songs next year - in Latin - to celebrate her 50th birthday. The Devil has promised that it will sell millions of copies worldwide and that he will make every human on Earth learn the language before the years end.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Many thought that Anna Nicole - the Playboy Playmate who was married to an octogenarian billionaire, who saw her son die while visiting her in hospital after having a baby, married her lawyer before burying her son and then died herself shortly afterwards in the Bahamas (phew!) - was dead. But no! NASA scientists operating out of the canteen at Cape Canaveral have discovered that the star is alive and well and apparently living a "normal" life on the planet Uranus.
Professor Mosley Krapptawker explains:
"Some of our highly paid scientist's were doing a random search of the solar system after a late night drink and drugs fuelled binge, when all of a sudden something peculiar and unexpected showed up on our monitors. Upon closer examination and a process of elimination we deduced that what we'd sen was Anna Nicole Smith licking her lips on the northwestern side of the planet Uranus. We were quite suprised, as I'm sure you can understand."
Many theories have been put forward for the strange discovery. One being that Anna Nicole's body got mixed up with that of the body of James "Scotty" Doohan from Star Trek, who was to be buried in space. Journalists were later informed that Scotty could'nt be blasted into space due to a technicality and was returned to Earth. Was this a conspiracy to cover up the mistake of accidentally blasting Smith into the cosmos?
All of this fails to answer the central question. How could Anna Nicole be alive? Professor Krapptawker has an explanation:
"Miss Smith died with quite a substantial amount of prescription drugs and narcotics in her system. These drugs - under certain conditions such as low gravity and lack of oxygen - can have the efffect of reviving a person and in fact bringing them back to life".
But what of the appearance on Uranus?
"Miss Smith possible travelled for many millions of miles before getting sucked into the gravitational pull of Uranus. There she must have landed and continued to lead her life as normal".
NASAS nad several other internation space agencies have put in motion immediate plans to launch "exploration" missions to Uranus to photograph the (human) star.
"We've been appraoched by the National Enquiror and serveral British and German tabloids for pictures of Miss Smith sunbathing nude on the planets surface", said Professor Krapptawker, "she appears to be unfazed by the whole fact of coming back to life and living on another planet. It's almost as if she is used to living in her own little world".
Monday, October 1, 2007
Lederhosen wearing, wooden boy Pinnochio is set to testify in the OJ Simpson armed robbery trial.
Pinnochio, who has also given evidence at OJ's murder trial back in the mid-90's and Michael Jackson's various bizarre trials, recently offered his services to defence lawyers at the Phil "Crazy hair" Spector case.
It seems Mister Pinnochio somehow manags to turn up in the right place at the right time. His sweet demeanour and cutesy voice have all played there part in swaying jurors opinions.
"My Papa Gepeto always told me to be a good little Pinnochio and to never ever tell a lie. And I swear that I will never, ever lie", squeeked the little guy as he almost poked a journalists eye out with his nose.
OJ's team have great faith in the little man.
"I believe my client will be proven innocent on all counts thanks to the honesty and intergrity of Pinnochio. How could a jury not be swayed by his sweet, sweet words of truthfullness?", smiled Johnny Cochrane Jnr.
"I witnessed the whole thing", claims Pinnochio, "OJ is completly blameless. It's all a big conspiracy. Anyone can tell that OJ is a wonderful man who wouldn't hurt a fly".
Since his stalled film career, Pinnochio has become a professional witness for individual clients and large Multinationals such as Microsoft. It's said that Martha Stewert got sent down because she refused his services. Pinnochio himself was on the board of Enron yet managed to save his own skin by performing a little dance for the judges, who cleared him of all wrongdoing becuase he was so "lovely".
Saturday, September 29, 2007
The Irish potato famine of the 1840’s was the fault of dead legendary fat method actor Marlon Brando, is the dramatic claim made in a new book by Irish one-hit-wonder, Sinead O Connor.
O’ Connor, famous as the demented, bald singer of “Nothing Compares 2U”, claims she has evidence to support the wild claim.
“Marlon Brando was a product of the American system of mass production”, moaned O Connor from her stone cell monastery, “the corporate forces of Hollywood encouraged the cultivation of the potato, which was exported to the States in vast quantities to feed laboratory monkeys used in the thriving cosmetic industries of the Victorian age. Marlon Brando was the man who benefited the most from these face care products, churning out millions of dollars worth of movies which were in turn distributed as evil propaganda for the poor Irish slaving away in the British owned workhouses of the age”.
When asked about how this frankly illogical scheme could have happened when Marlon Brando wasn’t even born at the time, O’ Connor gave an emphatic – but equally mad – answer.
“The cap Marlon Brando wore in The Wild One appears in several photographs taken in rural Ireland during the famine times. And there was only one such hat every made. And that was for Marlon Brando. Proof positive”, said a wild eyed O Connor as she stroked a wooden log.
“How Marlon Brando Ruined The Irish By Stealing Their Potatoes” is available in stores on Friday.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Air-head heiress, Paris Hilton, is enjoying the sights and sounds of poverty stricken, previously war-torn nation Rwanda. Miss Hilton was met by Rwandan Cultural Minister Badu Musambeya.
A local reporter from the Kigali Daily News asked Paris what the hell she is doing in their country.
“I just love drag queens”, smiled Paris, “and I wanted to come see the inspiration for my favorite movie”.
The confused reporter looked bewildered but Paris continued.
“Tootsie. Don’t you just love Dustin Hoffman is that movie”.
The reporter pointed out that she was getting the movie confused with the African Tutsi tribe.
“We have two dominant tribes in Rwanda”, explained Culture Minister Musambeya, “the Hutu and Tutsi”.
“Oh, I love that band”, smiled Paris, “Bono is such an inspiration”.
The assembled crowds were seen shaking their heads in disbelief at her dumbness.
Mister Musambeya explained, “that’s HUTU, Miss Hilton, HU-TU”.
Paris’ next stop was to be at a genocide memorial to mark the atrocities of 1994.
Authorities instead wisely decided it would be wise to take her to a local McDonalds burger joint instead, where Paris enjoyed a Happy Meal and was seen playing with the free toy and babbling merrily to herself.
Cosby show jazz lover, Bill Cosby has been banned from the Great Wall of China for life, according to Communist Party Officals. Cosby claims he knows of no reason for the ban:
“Ya see”, jived Cosby, “I’m so busy with the jazz, that I can’t be responsible for what the jazz happens out there (The Great Wall)”.
Communist Offical Fuk Yu explained the reasons for the dramatic move:
“Mr Cosby caused mayhem with his wild use of ‘jazz-hands‘, which in our country it is a very bad thing. He spread his crazy jazz ideas to our people by writing “jazz poetry“ all over the structure. How would you like if I went to the Statue of Liberty and drew a moustache and comedy glasses on her face? You wouldn‘t like it, would you. That is what Mr Cosby did to our beloved wall”.
Cosby later admited to covering almost twenty miles of the Great Wall in what he called “jazz poetry”.
“They needed to know what-the-jazz, the jazz is”, pleaded Cosby as he was deported.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Big boned comedian Kathy Nijimy, who played a jolly nun in the Sister Act movies is fighting for her life after getting trapped in a chimney.
Nigimy was heard screaming “Oh, god, not again”, as she poked her head up above the chimney pot.
Firefighters fought for 16 hours to free the comedian after their attempts where hampered by a plague of locusts and a tornado.
“Conditions were not ideal”, understated Fire Chief Waldo Baggins, “Miss Nagimy is a large woman. How she came to be trapped in a chimney is a mystery but we eventually managed to free her”.
Flown to a private hospital, Nagimy was rushed to intensive care. At her bedside was friend Whoopi Goldberg.
“I don’t know what she was thinking going up there again. Once is forgivable, twice is insane”, coughed Goldberg as she sucked on the end of a lit drainpipe.
Nagimy has claimed she was “researching a role”, which was exactly the same thing she said when the same thing happened back in 1999.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Pop superstar Madonna was today made a formal suspect by Portuguese police investigating missing British toddler Madeleine McCann.
“Madonna is now an arguido in our ungoing investigation”, said Detective Jose “ The Special One” Mourhino earlier today, “her previous record of taking a child from a Malawian man made us suspicious of her”.
Madonna, who has toured in Portugal before and was allegedly spotted hiding in a bush outside the Playa de Luz complex around the time of the child’s disappearance, has remained tight-lipped. Either that or she was too botoxed and was unable to move her mouth.
An eyewitness, Kelly Lyar, claims to have seen Madonna lurking around the holiday complex on the night Madeleine went missing.
“I saw a bush kind of moving and then I noticed something sparkly. I looked a little closer and then I realized it was Madonna wearing a diamond studded lycra bodysuit. I couldn’t believe it, I really couldn’t. I says to my fella, “’ere look at that, Tony, that’s Madonna that is”, and he say’s “Oh, don’t be a stupid cow, c’mon lets go and get pissed”.”
Unfortunately Kelly is an unreliable witness, having before claimed that she spotted both Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears in the same bush weeks previously. But Portuguese police have taken her claims seriously.
“Madonna has form”, said Detective Mourhino, “she is the predatory type. We believe she may be part of a group of wealthy female American entertainers who kidnap kids. We have our eye on Angelina Jolie, Mia Farrow and a few other ladies too.”
It was also revealed that mime artist Marcel Marceau came forward with information before his death last week.
“We never got to hear what he said”, said Mourhino, “he hung up before saying a word but we suspect it may have something to do with his old friend Michael Jackson. Or maybe not”.
Kate and Gerry McCann have welcomed the move forward in the search for their daughter.
“I never trusted the dirty cow since that whole David Banda thing”, said Gerry McCann describing Madonna, as he and Kate locked their twins in the boot of a hired car.
“The kids will be safe in there”, Kate added, “we are very good parents. Honest.”
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
A glittering array of stars turned out last night for the 42nd annual Nosey’s. Celebrating the best and the brightest big nosed stars, the event attracted such luminaries as Barry Manilow, Barbara Streisand, and Pete Townsend of The Who, who arrived with someone else’s children.
“I’m delighted to be here”, said nominee Sean Penn, “I rowed here in a bathtub after another of my homes burned down but this whole occasion has cheered me up”.
Tennis ace, Steffi Graf spoke briefly: “A few years ago I won Best Supporting Female Nose but this year I’m just happy to be nominated”, she lied.
British big nose Rod Stewart was in great mood: “I bumped into Ronnie Woods (The Rolling Stones) back stage and we shared a hankerchief”.
A special award was posthumously awarded to legendary performer Jimmy Durante for “Outstanding Achievemnt in Big Noseness”.
Full results are available online somewhere - probably.