Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Liza Minelli has hit out at complaints made by Strippers of America, the regulatory body for strippers operating in the US. “Aren’t I entitled to do a full body strip as part of my show?”, said Minelli, “it’s tastefully done”. The strippers claim Minelli is a big, fat hunchback and that she does a disservice to their industry.
“8 Mile” and “ER” actor Mekhi Pfeiffer is spending his weekends searching his bathtub for life. “So far I’ve found a couple of fish, an old boot and a rusty metal bed”, complained Pfeiffer, “there’s gotta be a monster or something down here somewhere. Hasn’t there?”.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
“Snakes on a Plane” actor Samuel L Jackson never turns down a chance to appear on screen. His next appearance will be on a nationwide advertising campaign promoting racist idiots the Ku Klux Klan.
“We needed someone that Klan members can relate to for the campaign. Sam Jackson is the perfect guy for the job”, spouted Klansman Robert D Pepper III.
Comedian Adam Sandler lost his legs after falling into an ice cream van. “He wanted a sno cone but stood too close to the ice box”, said Ice Cream Guy Billy.
Former New York mayor, Rudolph Giuliani says he want’s America to go back to a safer time.
“You know in the very first Superman movie the bit where Superman flies around the world so fast that time goes backwards and he saves Lois Lane because everything goes back to the way it was before Lex Luthor created the giant earthquake which killed her?”, said an excited Giuliani at a Republican fundraiser, “well that’s what I’m going to do if elected”. When told that pop star e Spears already has a time machine that can do the same thing, Giuliani meekly stepped away from the podium and sat silently in the corner.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Plastic faced Holocaust denier, Michael Jackson has opened a child-minding center right in the heart of Beverly Hills. “It’s for deprived rich kids”, squealed Jackson, “it’s a place where they can come and play and each room has a special door and I’ll be waiting behind it if they get too close”.
Donny Osmond has already taken his kids to the center. “Michael’s a friend”, smiled Osmond as he kept an eagle eyed watch on a slightly ajar door near his kids.
Mom to be, Paris Hilton was spotted snapping up diamond encrusted “maternity” tiaras at Le Chic Mom on Rodeo Drive. Accompanying her was her boyfriend Pope Benedict XVI, dressed in a turquoise tracksuit and trainers.
Simpsons creator Matt Groening said “I didn’t do it” yesterday from his Palm Beach retreat. Mr Groening was responding to complaints that he viciously assaulted America’s Got Talent contestant “The Rapping Granny” with an 8-inch blade at an LA strip joint. “Look, there’s a million crazy Vietnam vet’s out there that look just like me”, claimed Groening, “it’ll never stand up in court. And neither will she”.
“Hollow Man” actor and son of ”Hotel” actor James, Josh Brolin commandeered a US nuclear submarine during a nighttime drinking binge on stepmother Barbara Steisands vintage urine collection. US Naval authorities have expressed dismay at Mr. Brolin’s childish antics. “He’s a bad, bad boy”, said a Navy spokesman.
A San Diego city block was destroyed during Brolin’s naughty nuclear launch. “He f*cked up, big time”, griped newly appointed Nuclear Energy Spokeswoman Rosie O Donnell as she surveyed the scene.
British newspaper, The Daily Mail, reports that the Royal Family have intercepted escaped killer Angela Lansbury. The “Murder She Wrote” actress was apparently fired upon and wounded by Queen Elizabeth.
Lansbury is set to be deported to the US where she will serve the remainder of her sentence for killing Mafia Don John Goti at San Quentin correctional facility.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
A remake of “Howard The Duck” is being negotiated. “The time is right for an update”, enthused producer and writer George Lucas. The duck will be played by William Shatner in a papier mache costume
Makers of the new “Indiana Jones” movie apologized for the forced closure of a hair salon in New Delhi, India. “We apologized to staff and customers and it’s been cleared up”, said a Dreamworks spokeswoman.
The problem related to Harrison Ford’s fear of filming near Indian hair salons
Playboy Playmate Mickey Rooney was the inspiration for ancient doll sensation the Cabbage Patch Kids series of dolls.
“The dolls creator put me up on his knee and said, ‘Mickey, how’d you like to become the face of a great new toy. Y’ know, for kids’. And I said sign me up, baby”, recalled the onion headed old timer.
Music video channel MTV is to start showing music video’s on a trial basis.
“We’ll start off slow with one video a month during Jackass repeats and then maybe increase it to two every month afterwards”, said MTV spokesman Dirk Heder.
MTV’s Pimp My Ride season begins tonite and ends Fall 2009.
“Carrie” writer Steven King is locked in a tense legal battle with a 4 year old female panda. Lawyers for the bamboo-loving mammal, which lives at San Francisco zoo, claim she wrote Kings as yet unpublished novel “The Blood Givers”.
The Police singer and solo artist Sting has destroyed almost 1000 acres of Amazonian rain forest. “It was just a bit of fun”, sneered the pompous show off, “you should be bloody well grateful I didn’t torch the lot of that useless place”.
Unwell Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has taken noisy dance troupe Stomp as personal bodyguards.
“Fidel likes load noise and we’re very noisy”, said one Stomp member, “when he’s feeling up to it he even straps on a couple of trash can lids and bashes out the beats”.
Arrested Development’s Portia de Rossi has stuffed her mouth with 18oz of self-raising flour, according to friend, country singer Lyle Lovitt.
“I don’t know where she comes up with these tricks”, smirked Lovitt, “it’s a real head scratcher, for sure”.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Bono, the lead singer of Irish rockers U2 has been caught selling African orphans on Internet auction site eBay again. “It’s against company policy to sell humans. The seller in question has been banned”, stated an eBay spokesperson.
“Jesus” actor Jim Caviezel claims he’s met every single citizen in America.
“It’s true. Pick a name at random from the phone book and I bet you I’ve met them“, challenged the actor, “I get around, every time somebody auditions for American Idol, I’m there. Every TV show or a kid being born in a hospital I’m waiting at the door to shake your hand. Every baseball or gridiron game, I’m the guy handing out peanuts in the stands. You mightn’t know me, but I sure as hell know you”.
“Dukes of Hazard” cardboard cutout Jessica Simpson has denied allegations that she planned a coup to overthrow President Musharaff’s government in Pakistan. “I didn’t so it. Honest”, cried Simpson.
Her sister Ashley Simpson is serving a 5 month jail term for organizing a failed military coup in neighboring Kashmir.