Newsreader admits making up the news

Hugely popular Russian televison newscaster Yelena Mankchekova has admitted that she has been making up news stories and using them in her nightly broadcasts which attract a viewership of almost 60 million of the countries vodka swigging population.

She convinced her people and President Vladimir Putin that the USA is melting and is being run by Oompa Loompas, that Abraham Lincoln is alive and well in a cryogenic state from which he rules over his enslaved people with an iron fist. She also told them that Hitler was back in town and advised the countrys children to go to sleep early in case Der Fuhrer may kipnap them and send them to work in his shoe-making factories. She also said that all men over the age of 21 must send their gold teeth to a postal address number which she now admits was owned by her.

Miss Mankchekova, 38, presenter of Russia Today, the nations second most watched programme after Dancing with Yuri the Siberian Bear, made the statement after a work colleague and former boyfriend made allegations in a letter to members of the Russian parliment.

Last nite, Miss Mankchekova made the following unscheduled statement live on air:
"Comrades, it has come to my attention that my pig former boyfriend has made comments about me behind my back. To save further torment I will come clean and admit my wrongdoings. For the past number of years I have been, how shall I say, 'twisting' the truth. Comrades I beg your forgiveness, especially mighty comrade Putin."

Valdimir Putin is said to be very upset and is in a state of shock. It was Miss Mankchekova's insistance that the United States and it's she-male warrior princes were set to invade the country that encouraged the Russian premier to take an aggressive stance and establish a new missile defense system along the borders.
It is not known why Miss Mankchekova decided to behave in this manner but the disgraced newsreader - who performs topless on air each Christmas to raise money for Russian donkeys - has been suspended and sent to a Siberian gulag for some "rest and recooperation".

Lindsey lohan trains sheep to tapdance for new TV show

Bonkers celebrity bitch, Lindsey Lohan has been busy lately training sheep how to tapdance for a new POX show. Entitled “Lindsey Tap-Dances With Sheep”, the show sees Lindsey undertake to teach different dance moves each week to a group of rythmless sheep.

“It’s a way to combine my two great loves”, said Lohan, “dance and animals”.

Viewers are invited to vote by tele-pole for their favorite sheep each week and which one goes back to the slaughter house.

“Some say it’s cruel”, said producer Alotta Munny, “some say it’s car-crash TV with Lindsey at the steering wheel. Well I say it’s just plain old greed, Baby”.

“Lindsey Tap-Dances With Sheep” debuts September 20 on POX.

Jack Osbourne dies after falling from magic carpet

Pathetic, useless waste of space no-hoper rich nobody, Jack Osbourne has died follwing an accident involving an electrocuted barbed wire fence and a magic carpet.

“We miss jack”, said his self promoting, useless, waste of space, no personality bitch mother, Sharon Osbourne, “but we’re grateful that his death has given us another piece of media coverage”.

Jack Osbourne is to be buried in a lavish Las Vegas themed ceremony which will be aired on MTV tomorrow and repeated every six hours for the next five years.

Nobody is expected to attend because nobody cares.

STOP PRESS: It turns out Jack Osbourne is NOT in fact dead! Links to a similar story involving his dad Ozzy and a certain quad bike accident a few years ago are being examined.

Matlock makes rare appearance to promote Lil Kim clothing line

TV’s “Matlock” Andy Griffith turned up to promote Lil Kim’s new fashion line for oversized short women.
“I don’t know why I’m here”, said Griffith to much laughter. “No. I honestly don’t know how I got here or why”, said the confused star.

Samuel L Jackson to front Ku Klux Klan ad campaign

“Snakes on a Plane” actor Samuel L Jackson never turns down a chance to appear on screen. His next appearance will be on a nationwide advertising campaign promoting racist idiots the Ku Klux Klan.
“We needed someone that Klan members can relate to for the campaign. Sam Jackson is the perfect guy for the job”, spouted Klansman Robert D Pepper III.

MTV to show music videos

Music video channel MTV is to start showing music video’s on a trial basis.

“We’ll start off slow with one video a month during Jackass repeats and then maybe increase it to two every month afterwards”, said MTV spokesman Dirk Heder.
MTV’s Pimp My Ride season begins tonite and ends Fall 2009.

Crocodile hunter widow allergic to shame

Steve Irwins widow Terri, has told the Australian press that she is allergic to shame.
“When Steve died people thought I came across as cold and fame hungry, but it’s not like that”, exposed the grieving animal lover, “I am medically allergic to any form of shame. Promoting myself, my daughter and our TV shows, movies and books was the only way to prevent me from breaking out in a rash”.

Lost actor “Locke” advertises Butt Sugar

Actor Terry O' Quinn who plays “John Locke” in the stupid TV show "Lost", is the new spokesperson for “Butt Sugar” health drink.
“Myself and the product image are very compatible”, growled the baldy no hoper.

Oprah and Gayle in North Korean Dictator tug of love

Insiders have divulged the secret that threatens to tear apart long time friends Oprah Winfrey and GayleKing.

The wedge that’s come between them is Asian lothario Kim Jong Il who has been attending every recent event with Winfrey in tow. “Gail is jealous as hell”, revealed the insider, “she dated Kim in college and has known him the longest”.

Cybill Shepard steals cocaine from dead mans nose

Moonlighting and Cybill star Cybill Shepard has sunk to a new low when she was caught by hotel staff while trying to steal cocaine from a dead customers nose. The actress and champion goat herder, pretended to go to the man’s assistance but her real motive was to snort the illicit drug from his nasal cavity.

Staff member Dave Bloom described the scene, “we received a call that a man was passed out on the floor of the reception area. When we arrived we tried to perform CPR but were shoved aside by a wild woman in a sun hat. We restrained the lady and later were informed that she was the TV lady Miss Shepard”.
No charged were pressed.

C.S.I star Caruso counts himself lucky

CSI Miami star David Caruso counts himself lucky to be alive after escaping the jaws of death during filming of the series finale.
Caruso, who plays “Detective Horatio Caine” in the CBS hit show describes how he was pulled to safety by stuntmen seconds before being crushed by a pair of giant sun glasses.
“It was extreme. I would have died if it hadn’t been for the swift thinking of the stunt team”, he coolly whispered.
Series producer Jerry Bruckheimer added ,“ the story called for guest star Pope Benedict to leap from a moving car. As we were filming the scene a 50 foot pair of designer sun shades dropped from the sky, narrowly missing David”.

Asked where the shades came from, Bruckheimer was unable to answer. “I honestly have no idea. They weren’t even a stage prop“, he shrugged.

Friends actor caught selling Ming vase

“Friends” actor David Schwimmer was arrested by Boston cops in a midnight raid on his home. The “man who played Ross” was the criminal genius behind some of the world’s most daring thefts of ancient Chinese pottery. An eyewitness said he was “screaming like a baby” as he was lead out to the awaiting cop cars.

Mr. Schwimmer has steadily gone downhill since the end of “Friends” and the cancellation of his own show “David and Goliath”.

Boxer Tyson quits TV show

Bad boy boxer Mike Tyson has quit controversial Icelandic TV show “Train the Mouse”. The cauliflower eared bully stated irreconcilable differences and artistic integrity as his reasons for leaving the top rated Nordic programme.

He’s not the first American celebrity to leave. Earlier this week, former “Cheers” barmaid Kirstie Alley exited due to muscle spasms and rabies.