Jesus wasn't son of God: Pope to quit

Pope Benedict XVI, supreme leader of the Catholic population of the world is to quit his position after finding out that the figure his religion is based on was a fake.

The Vatican is in a state of disarray today after the announcement by a team of Dutch scientists who have forensically proven that Jesus was not in actual fact the Son of God, but merely a crap magician's assistant who prowled the middle East over 2000 years ago.

Vatican spokesman, Father Anus Prhoeb, had this to say to the throng of international reporters camped at St Peters basilica: "The holy Father is pissed off - and so am I for that matter. Can you imagine the embarrassment of quite literally putting your entire faith into a man who turns out to be a spoofer.

"Pope Benny is 80 years old. he's been believing this lark for all his life. And for what? Bullsh*t. We should have guessed it much earlier. C'mon, the signs were obvious: the cheesy wedding party wine tricks and that loaves and fishes thing is straight out of a cheap Vegas variety show."

The Dutch scientists took a sample of DNA from a fragment of an ancient diaper - which is said to be the one the baby Jesus wore in Bethlahem when he was born in the stable - and compared it to a sample from the hankerchief of a con-artist magician's assistant known as Dave who was at work in the Holy Land at the time of Jesus' life. The similarities were remarkable and were an almost perfect match - 99.6% conclusive.

"Jesus was Dave the Magic Guy", said Doctor Ruud Boye who led the forensics team who did the research, "Dave worked the sleazy clubs in Nazareth and places like that as an assistant to various popular magicians of the time. But he got tired of always playing second fiddle and decided when he was about 30 years old to go out on his own. This whole Christianity malarky is the work of someone who could have written for a spoof website and grabbed thousands of hits."

"All the major religions of the world regard Jesus as a holy man or prophet so in essense Dave fooled everybody, not just Christians. The protestant religion will just keep up the show 'cause they aren't really bothered so much with the J-man but the Roman Catholics are f*cked. Christamas may have to be renamed Dave's Day."

As for Pope Benedicts future, some have speculated that the shrivelled old prune may try to keep out of the spotlite and keep a low profile alongside his fiancee Paris Hilton who is pregnant with his child and due to give birth in late december.

Kelly Clarkson urges Pope Benedict to stop stalking her

Original American Idol Winner, Kelly Clarkson has written an open letter to show business paper Vanity urging Pope Benedict XVI to cease his constant following of her.
The letter reads as follows:

“Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Please desist from following me. You are a grown man and father, with another child on the way with Paris Hilton.

You are, like me, a famous person who has responsibilities to your fans and general public. Don’t you feel ashamed? Leave me alone and stop calling me, following me and sending me flowers.

We could never be. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull.

Yours hatefully,

Kelly Clarkson Chubby Singer/ Humanitarian”

The Pontiff has so far made no comment but sources reveal that a pope-mobile matching the description of Benedict’s has been spotted parked across the road from Miss Clarkson’s Hollywood home.

Paris and pope Benedict spotted at exclusive maternity ware store

Mom to be, Paris Hilton was spotted snapping up diamond encrusted “maternity” tiaras at Le Chic Mom on Rodeo Drive. Accompanying her was her boyfriend Pope Benedict XVI, dressed in a turquoise tracksuit and trainers.

Wesley Snipes and Alias actor excommunicated the Catholic church

Wesley Snipes and “Alias” actor Michael Vartan have been excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church by Supreme pontiff Pope Benedict XVI. Vatican spokesman Angelo Beneducci said the stars were “heretics to the good name of the one true faith”.

Snipes and Vartan were the instigators of a riot at the Playboy Pope's retreat in Bangkok, Thailand.

C.S.I star Caruso counts himself lucky

CSI Miami star David Caruso counts himself lucky to be alive after escaping the jaws of death during filming of the series finale.
Caruso, who plays “Detective Horatio Caine” in the CBS hit show describes how he was pulled to safety by stuntmen seconds before being crushed by a pair of giant sun glasses.
“It was extreme. I would have died if it hadn’t been for the swift thinking of the stunt team”, he coolly whispered.
Series producer Jerry Bruckheimer added ,“ the story called for guest star Pope Benedict to leap from a moving car. As we were filming the scene a 50 foot pair of designer sun shades dropped from the sky, narrowly missing David”.

Asked where the shades came from, Bruckheimer was unable to answer. “I honestly have no idea. They weren’t even a stage prop“, he shrugged.

Paris Hilton and Pope Benedict expecting a baby

Paris Hilton and Pope Benedict are expecting their first child together.
A Vatican spokesman confirmed that the happy couple are due their first child later in the year - possibly december 25th.
Paris and Benny have been dating for only a few months. They first hooked up at a charity event organised by Playboy magazine owner Hugh Hefner. "It was love at first sight" said Hefner. "They are a perfect couple and I wish them all the happyness in the world. Benny and I go back a long while. He's a fabulous practical joker and ladies man. He and Paris together is like a match made in heaven", continues Hefner.
This will be the Pontiffs second child. This is Miss Hilton's first baby.
The happy couple are said to be decorating a kiddies room at the Popes lush pad in Rome.