Kelly Clarkson urges Pope Benedict to stop stalking her

Original American Idol Winner, Kelly Clarkson has written an open letter to show business paper Vanity urging Pope Benedict XVI to cease his constant following of her.
The letter reads as follows:

“Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Please desist from following me. You are a grown man and father, with another child on the way with Paris Hilton.

You are, like me, a famous person who has responsibilities to your fans and general public. Don’t you feel ashamed? Leave me alone and stop calling me, following me and sending me flowers.

We could never be. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull.

Yours hatefully,

Kelly Clarkson Chubby Singer/ Humanitarian”

The Pontiff has so far made no comment but sources reveal that a pope-mobile matching the description of Benedict’s has been spotted parked across the road from Miss Clarkson’s Hollywood home.

American Idol judge Randy Jackson sinks sailboat full of kittens

American Idol fatboy judge, Randy Jackson, has sunk a twenty-five foot sailboat loaded with exotic kittens destined for the foreign market.

Mr. Jackson, a music producer and foot model, has become quite a specialist in sinking ships of late.

Late last month he scuttled an oil tanker off the coast of Newfoundland. Six days ago he sank a ship belonging to former Nine Inch Nails singer Trent Reznor in the Bahamas and only yesterday he torpedoed a fishing trawler off the coast of Spain.

“I try to do my thing”, said Jackson, “just workin’ my magic, dawg”.

Jackson claims his vandalism is part of his “great plan” for the world.

“Look, let me lay it out for you”, said Jackson, “my music, producing, American Idol and all that are just small fry. The goal is to sink ships, man. That’s were the life is, baby”.


Jackson remians free because authorities fear he may sink their little police boats.

Last Temptation’s Jim Caviezel knows “everybody in America”

“Jesus” actor Jim Caviezel claims he’s met every single citizen in America.

“It’s true. Pick a name at random from the phone book and I bet you I’ve met them“, challenged the actor, “I get around, every time somebody auditions for American Idol, I’m there. Every TV show or a kid being born in a hospital I’m waiting at the door to shake your hand. Every baseball or gridiron game, I’m the guy handing out peanuts in the stands. You mightn’t know me, but I sure as hell know you”.

Jason Biggs to be immortalised in mount Rushmore

“American Pie” actor Jason Biggs is to have his head carved into Mount Rushmore alongside American political icons Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. “It’s neat”, said Biggs.

Kanye West to be immortalised in chocolate poo

Rapper Kanye West took his love of chocolate poo to new heights when he became the new face of Hershey’s doo-doo range of chocolate treats. “My mama would be proud to see my face on a packet of chocolate sh*t. Nobody makes chocolate like Hershey. It’s an American Icon. Just like me”, West boasted.

Idol Winner to play Satan

American Idol star Kelly Clarkson is to play the devil in a movie based on the life of Norah Jones. Clarkson told Variety that she is looking forward to playing the evil one. Angelica Huston is to lined up play Clarkson’s daughter.