Kelly Clarkson urges Pope Benedict to stop stalking her

Original American Idol Winner, Kelly Clarkson has written an open letter to show business paper Vanity urging Pope Benedict XVI to cease his constant following of her.
The letter reads as follows:

“Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Please desist from following me. You are a grown man and father, with another child on the way with Paris Hilton.

You are, like me, a famous person who has responsibilities to your fans and general public. Don’t you feel ashamed? Leave me alone and stop calling me, following me and sending me flowers.

We could never be. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull.

Yours hatefully,

Kelly Clarkson Chubby Singer/ Humanitarian”

The Pontiff has so far made no comment but sources reveal that a pope-mobile matching the description of Benedict’s has been spotted parked across the road from Miss Clarkson’s Hollywood home.

Mariah Carey glues face to old man’s leg

Singer Mariah Carey got herself in a sticky situation when she accidentally glued her face to the leg of an 85 year old man.

The incident occurred at a Palm Springs resort, where Carey was recording her latest album of ballads dedicated to hopeless celebrities.

“Mariah is ok”, said a spokeswoman for the singer, “but she was a little shaken by the whole glue thing”.

The man was named as Bobby Bigglesworth, an octogenarian male escort from Flint, Michigan, who is living in the Happy Daze Retirement Home with his dog, Skip.

It’s unknown how, or indeed why, Carey glued her face to the man, but it may have something to do with her madness.

Foo Fighters front man sells Courtney Love to Dutch sailors

Foo Fighters lead singer and guitarist Dave Grohl has sold his former deceased Nirvana bandmate Kurt Cobain’s widow to Dutch Sailors.

“it’s what Kurt would have wanted”, said Groehl.

Police singer Sting burns Amazon rainforest for “a bit of fun”

The Police singer and solo artist Sting has destroyed almost 1000 acres of Amazonian rain forest. “It was just a bit of fun”, sneered the pompous show off, “you should be bloody well grateful I didn’t torch the lot of that useless place”.

Arrested Developments Portia de Rossi fits sack of flour in her mouth

Arrested Development’s Portia de Rossi has stuffed her mouth with 18oz of self-raising flour, according to friend, country singer Lyle Lovitt.

“I don’t know where she comes up with these tricks”, smirked Lovitt, “it’s a real head scratcher, for sure”.

“Black Eyed Peas” Fergie wants to “sing on eyerybodys record”

Fergie, the lone female member of “The Black Eyed Peas”, wants to have her voice digitally pasted onto every song recorded dating back to the early 20th century. “People like me very much”, the cat faced squawker commented, “let them hear me on every track the world has ever known”.

“Umbrella” singer Rihanna shrinks by 8 inches

R&B singer Rihanna has lost almost 8 inches in height from hard living and poor decisions.
“I could have been a contender for the US ladies basketball team if wasn’t for my liquor problem and addiction to whistling”, she contemplated.

Justin Timberlake brain damaged from pretending to be sheep

Singer Justin Timberlake has developed brain damage. “It’s from all those years dressing up and play acting at being a sheep”, remarked molecular biologist and producer Timbaland.