Rap mogul Angela Landsbury promotes new roster of “talent”

“Murder She Wrote” actress and jailed killer Angela Landsbury has been unveiling the roster of new acts she has signed to her “Crack Bitch” label.

Landsbury, who is serving multiple life sentences in San Quentin for murder and kidnapping offences, held a press conference from her prison cell. The acts include “Hairy John”, “Fat Larry” and “Big Boi Caprese”.

"I'm fizzle jizzle to the snizzle whizzle", said Lansbury as she rlled a joint and handed it to her cell mate, Big Bubba.

Due to federal financial regulations, all income from Landsbury’s earnings must be donated to the victims of her crimes, so mafia crime boss John Gotti’s widow is in for another mega windfall.

My Chemical Romance lady-boys dating Maroon 5 lady-boys

The members of crap lady-boy band My Chemical Romance are dating the members of crap lady-boy band Maroon 5.

“A lack of talent, character, originality and attitude brought them together”, said a spokesperson for the two acts.

American Idol judge Randy Jackson sinks sailboat full of kittens

American Idol fatboy judge, Randy Jackson, has sunk a twenty-five foot sailboat loaded with exotic kittens destined for the foreign market.

Mr. Jackson, a music producer and foot model, has become quite a specialist in sinking ships of late.

Late last month he scuttled an oil tanker off the coast of Newfoundland. Six days ago he sank a ship belonging to former Nine Inch Nails singer Trent Reznor in the Bahamas and only yesterday he torpedoed a fishing trawler off the coast of Spain.

“I try to do my thing”, said Jackson, “just workin’ my magic, dawg”.

Jackson claims his vandalism is part of his “great plan” for the world.

“Look, let me lay it out for you”, said Jackson, “my music, producing, American Idol and all that are just small fry. The goal is to sink ships, man. That’s were the life is, baby”.


Jackson remians free because authorities fear he may sink their little police boats.

Foo Fighters front man sells Courtney Love to Dutch sailors

Foo Fighters lead singer and guitarist Dave Grohl has sold his former deceased Nirvana bandmate Kurt Cobain’s widow to Dutch Sailors.

“it’s what Kurt would have wanted”, said Groehl.

MTV to show music videos

Music video channel MTV is to start showing music video’s on a trial basis.

“We’ll start off slow with one video a month during Jackass repeats and then maybe increase it to two every month afterwards”, said MTV spokesman Dirk Heder.
MTV’s Pimp My Ride season begins tonite and ends Fall 2009.

“Black Eyed Peas” Fergie wants to “sing on eyerybodys record”

Fergie, the lone female member of “The Black Eyed Peas”, wants to have her voice digitally pasted onto every song recorded dating back to the early 20th century. “People like me very much”, the cat faced squawker commented, “let them hear me on every track the world has ever known”.

White Stripes singer dazzles audience with aerobatic display

“White Stripes” front man Jack White stunned concert goers with his aerobatic display of levetation during a show in Detroit. “I didn’t know he could do that”, gasped band member Meg.

Scarlett Johannson is “Lost in Translation” at Bolivian Clowns funeral

Scarlett Johannson amazed funeral goers with a unique interpretaion of 80’s Euro poodle rockers “Europe’s” anthem, “The Final Countdown”.

The sausage-lipped beauty was attending the funeral of 1940’s South American children’s entertainer “Quito the Clown” in La Paz, Bolivia.

“I don’t know who she is. What is she doing here?”, trembled Quito’s 86 year old widow.

Bon Jovi to release “worst of “album

Bon Jovi front man Jon Bon Jovi intends to release a “worst of” compilation before the years end.
“We have such a bad back catalogue that it seems a shame not to do a special compilation of songs. Our fans will buy anything we release”, he snorted, “and we intend to tour with it too. I love money so much”.

Country legend lays egg.

Country music legend Kenny Rogers has laid an egg after years of hard pushing. “I’m just delighted and relieved. I’m gonna mount it on my mantlepiece” said the exhausted star.