Friday, November 30, 2007
The Earth lost almost 1/6th of it's population today following a disaster involving former Hollywood heart-throb Richard Gere.
The star, who famously made a fool of himself a number of months back with Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, was on a fact-finding mission to Bombay when all hell broke loose. Gere went wild after a night of hard partying with a sacred cow and embarked on a spree of mayhem unseen since the day's of Nazi handbag-lover Adolf Hitler.
"Mister Gere pulled down his pants, such was his great merriment", gasped one lucky eyewitness who managed to flee the country in a chartered helicopter with just seconds to spare, "and the entire country and all it's beautiful peoples and interesting heritage and customs, vanished up his bottom, Whoosh, just like that".
Of all Gere's pranks - people may remember him from the time he electrocuted a bus-load of school kids with an electric chair and claimed he was 'researching a role' - this is the most 'troubling'.
"I apologise profusely", said Gere through an interpreter earlier today, "I don't know what I was thinking. I was out of my mind with joy at being welcomed to this once amazingly diverse nation.
"I was sure that when they said that India was the 'sub-continent', that they would have a replacement for it on the bench."
"Please accept my sincere apologies and a box-set of DVD's of my favorite movies, such a s Pretty Woman, An Officer and A Gentleman and The Mothman Prophesy".
The nation of India now joins a hamster inside Gere's posterior.
"I don't know how or why he did such a terrible thing", said Ravjesh Krampakur, one of the last surviving Indians in the world, "who could have thought that he was capable of such madness?"
Esteemed surgeons from all across the globe have declined to operate on Gere for fear that they too may get too close and get sucked into the abyss.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Hollywood legend Jack Nicholson is to get a once off Holiday special TV talk show where he interviews friends while under the influence of narcotics.
"Smoking Crack with Jack" is produced by HBO and is scheduled to air on Christmas day. The shows producer, Larry Bazterde, said the old time womaniser didn't need much persuasion to come on board:
"We just dangled some white powder in front of him. Literally dangled on a long stick with a string. Jack immediately said he'd do it".
The most controversial part of the show - apart from the on screen smoking of crack cocaine, heroin and imbibing of liquid LSD, of course - is the part where Jack invites long time pal Roman Polanski to his house to meet a surprise guest.
"Roman thinks its just gonna be himself, Jack, maybe Warren Beatty and some 'young' people. So Jack smuggles Roman back into the country and plies him with drink and drugs", chuckles Bazterde, "Boy does he get a shock when he realises that it's just a mock up of Jacks mansion we built on the studio lot in front of a couple of hundred cheering audience members! - and they're all street addicts! What a hoot!"
The mood certainly changes when Jack wheels in none other than convicted celebrity murderer Charles Manson - the very man responsible for the murders of Roman's wife Sharon Tate and friends at his house back in the late 60's.
"Jack just cracks up when he see's Roman's reaction, but there's more", say's a now hysterical Bazterde, "Jack then tells Roman that he's called the cops and they're waiting outside to arrest Roman for his previous offenses. Well, Roman freaks out and escapes.He's still out there somewhere in the Hollywood Hills".
Nicholson, who famously smoked lots of marijuana during the shooting of the classic movie Easy Rider, then interviews old friend 'mad' Dennis Hopper.
"Dennis Hopper is a wild man", says Bazterde, "and in text book Hopper form, Dennis throws a fit. The man frickin' attacks the audience with a rubber duck, claiming he's the reincarnation of the child actor who played Alfalfa in The Little Rascals. The audience are so stoned from the fumes billowing throughout the studio, that they just watch on inanely and applaud."
The show ends with Jack and a Bing Crosby impersonator singing yuletide classic "White Christmas" while covered in a suspicious white substance.
"This one is for all the family at Christmas time", blabs Bazterde, " The true spirit of Christmas is celebrated for all Americans with a little bit of Hollywood magic".
Friday, November 9, 2007
Pope Benedict XVI, supreme leader of the Catholic population of the world is to quit his position after finding out that the figure his religion is based on was a fake.
The Vatican is in a state of disarray today after the announcement by a team of Dutch scientists who have forensically proven that Jesus was not in actual fact the Son of God, but merely a crap magician's assistant who prowled the middle East over 2000 years ago.
Vatican spokesman, Father Anus Prhoeb, had this to say to the throng of international reporters camped at St Peters basilica: "The holy Father is pissed off - and so am I for that matter. Can you imagine the embarrassment of quite literally putting your entire faith into a man who turns out to be a spoofer.
"Pope Benny is 80 years old. he's been believing this lark for all his life. And for what? Bullsh*t. We should have guessed it much earlier. C'mon, the signs were obvious: the cheesy wedding party wine tricks and that loaves and fishes thing is straight out of a cheap Vegas variety show."
The Dutch scientists took a sample of DNA from a fragment of an ancient diaper - which is said to be the one the baby Jesus wore in Bethlahem when he was born in the stable - and compared it to a sample from the hankerchief of a con-artist magician's assistant known as Dave who was at work in the Holy Land at the time of Jesus' life. The similarities were remarkable and were an almost perfect match - 99.6% conclusive.
"Jesus was Dave the Magic Guy", said Doctor Ruud Boye who led the forensics team who did the research, "Dave worked the sleazy clubs in Nazareth and places like that as an assistant to various popular magicians of the time. But he got tired of always playing second fiddle and decided when he was about 30 years old to go out on his own. This whole Christianity malarky is the work of someone who could have written for a spoof website and grabbed thousands of hits."
"All the major religions of the world regard Jesus as a holy man or prophet so in essense Dave fooled everybody, not just Christians. The protestant religion will just keep up the show 'cause they aren't really bothered so much with the J-man but the Roman Catholics are f*cked. Christamas may have to be renamed Dave's Day."
As for Pope Benedicts future, some have speculated that the shrivelled old prune may try to keep out of the spotlite and keep a low profile alongside his fiancee Paris Hilton who is pregnant with his child and due to give birth in late december.
Hugely popular Russian televison newscaster Yelena Mankchekova has admitted that she has been making up news stories and using them in her nightly broadcasts which attract a viewership of almost 60 million of the countries vodka swigging population.
She convinced her people and President Vladimir Putin that the USA is melting and is being run by Oompa Loompas, that Abraham Lincoln is alive and well in a cryogenic state from which he rules over his enslaved people with an iron fist. She also told them that Hitler was back in town and advised the countrys children to go to sleep early in case Der Fuhrer may kipnap them and send them to work in his shoe-making factories. She also said that all men over the age of 21 must send their gold teeth to a postal address number which she now admits was owned by her.
Miss Mankchekova, 38, presenter of Russia Today, the nations second most watched programme after Dancing with Yuri the Siberian Bear, made the statement after a work colleague and former boyfriend made allegations in a letter to members of the Russian parliment.
Last nite, Miss Mankchekova made the following unscheduled statement live on air:
"Comrades, it has come to my attention that my pig former boyfriend has made comments about me behind my back. To save further torment I will come clean and admit my wrongdoings. For the past number of years I have been, how shall I say, 'twisting' the truth. Comrades I beg your forgiveness, especially mighty comrade Putin."
Valdimir Putin is said to be very upset and is in a state of shock. It was Miss Mankchekova's insistance that the United States and it's she-male warrior princes were set to invade the country that encouraged the Russian premier to take an aggressive stance and establish a new missile defense system along the borders.
It is not known why Miss Mankchekova decided to behave in this manner but the disgraced newsreader - who performs topless on air each Christmas to raise money for Russian donkeys - has been suspended and sent to a Siberian gulag for some "rest and recooperation".
Monday, November 5, 2007
The chief of domestic intelligence in Britain has stated that at least 20 million people in Britain pose a "direct threat to national security and public safety" because of their potential to grow beards.
The figure is not new - PM Gordon Brown talked of it earlier in the year - but Johnathon Tossface, head of the MI5, went even further, saying there might be another 40 million would-be terrorists not yet known to the authorities.
Speaking at a conference in Madchester - where he was attending a concert by sh*t band Oasis - Tossface also said that extremists in Britain were more likely than before to be connected to networks in other countries, and they were increasingly grooming children and young people to carry out terrorist attacks.
"We have evidence of children as young as 5 being groomed by extremist barbers", said the chief, "imagine a five year old with a beard? And that includes girls. Some of them children can be very hairy indeed".
Opponents of the government, however, pointed out that the speech is a "load of codswallup" and "bunkum".
Barry Normal, of the Society for Free Thinking and Living Without Political Bullsh*t (S.F.T.L.W.P.B), says:
"The population of Great Britania is only about 60 million gentlefolk. M15's assertion is that everyone may be a terrorist.What a pile of snuff".
But Gordan Brown supports the M15 chiefs stance saying:
"Evidence has shown that people with beards are more likely to cause trouble. Look at the history: Che Guevara - bloody troublesome git;the IRA were all a bunch of beary weirdies and look at the trouble they did to us; Guy Fawkes had a very pretty beard but his lot tried to blow the sh*t out of us back in the olde days.
"History has shown us that beard wearers are a nuisance. That Al Quaeda lot all have bloody great big beards, dont they. What about that Osama Bin whatisname fellow. What's his game, eh? Hiding I tell you. Hiding from the stern fatherly hand of papa Brown. Well no more shall they. Off with their hairyness. Smooth skin and a good table manners are the way to good citizenship"
"The dramatic increase in beards in this fine nation is cause for great concern. I vow to rid our country and the world of hairy faces".