Number of would-be terrorists on rise in U.K.

The chief of domestic intelligence in Britain has stated that at least 20 million people in Britain pose a "direct threat to national security and public safety" because of their potential to grow beards.

The figure is not new - PM Gordon Brown talked of it earlier in the year - but Johnathon Tossface, head of the MI5, went even further, saying there might be another 40 million would-be terrorists not yet known to the authorities.

Speaking at a conference in Madchester - where he was attending a concert by sh*t band Oasis - Tossface also said that extremists in Britain were more likely than before to be connected to networks in other countries, and they were increasingly grooming children and young people to carry out terrorist attacks.

"We have evidence of children as young as 5 being groomed by extremist barbers", said the chief, "imagine a five year old with a beard? And that includes girls. Some of them children can be very hairy indeed".

Opponents of the government, however, pointed out that the speech is a "load of codswallup" and "bunkum".

Barry Normal, of the Society for Free Thinking and Living Without Political Bullsh*t (S.F.T.L.W.P.B), says:
"The population of Great Britania is only about 60 million gentlefolk. M15's assertion is that everyone may be a terrorist.What a pile of snuff".

But Gordan Brown supports the M15 chiefs stance saying:
"Evidence has shown that people with beards are more likely to cause trouble. Look at the history: Che Guevara - bloody troublesome git;the IRA were all a bunch of beary weirdies and look at the trouble they did to us; Guy Fawkes had a very pretty beard but his lot tried to blow the sh*t out of us back in the olde days.

"History has shown us that beard wearers are a nuisance. That Al Quaeda lot all have bloody great big beards, dont they. What about that Osama Bin whatisname fellow. What's his game, eh? Hiding I tell you. Hiding from the stern fatherly hand of papa Brown. Well no more shall they. Off with their hairyness. Smooth skin and a good table manners are the way to good citizenship"

"The dramatic increase in beards in this fine nation is cause for great concern. I vow to rid our country and the world of hairy faces".

Large, hairy men form human shield around Robin Williams house

It has been reported that a human ring of burly hirsute men have gathered around the luxurious home of comedian Robin Williams.

The drastic step was taken following an unidentified callers claim that Williams was to be the latest target of a spate of shaving attacks in the celebrity area’s of Hollywood.

“I was scared sh*tless”, said neighbor and Esperanto speaker, William Shatner, “the thought that something like that could happen in this neighborhood makes me very worried. When I think of what they could have done to Robin‘s hairy shoulders and back it just makes me shiver all over”.

A spokesman for “Selebrity Security”, the security firm employed by Williams and other well known homeowners, explained the “Hairy man” defence technique:
“In order to get to the occupant, the intruder must first fight through the gauntlet of specially trained, extremely hairy men. The assailant, usually armed with a common electric shaver will pretty much always fail as either the blades clog up or he runs out of battery power”.

Police sources say they are hunting a white Caucasian male, dressed like the McDonalds Hamburgler.

Indiana Jones movie closes New Delhi hair salon

Makers of the new “Indiana Jones” movie apologized for the forced closure of a hair salon in New Delhi, India. “We apologized to staff and customers and it’s been cleared up”, said a Dreamworks spokeswoman.
The problem related to Harrison Ford’s fear of filming near Indian hair salons

Imelda Marcos asks Joaquin Phoenix for advice on removing chewing gum from hair

Philipino shoe lover Imelda Marcos has sought the advice of “Gladiator” Emperor Joaquin Phoenix with regard to how best to remove chewing gum from her hair. “I told her to hold some ice to it and then to break it off once it froze”, shared the star