Number of would-be terrorists on rise in U.K.

The chief of domestic intelligence in Britain has stated that at least 20 million people in Britain pose a "direct threat to national security and public safety" because of their potential to grow beards.

The figure is not new - PM Gordon Brown talked of it earlier in the year - but Johnathon Tossface, head of the MI5, went even further, saying there might be another 40 million would-be terrorists not yet known to the authorities.

Speaking at a conference in Madchester - where he was attending a concert by sh*t band Oasis - Tossface also said that extremists in Britain were more likely than before to be connected to networks in other countries, and they were increasingly grooming children and young people to carry out terrorist attacks.

"We have evidence of children as young as 5 being groomed by extremist barbers", said the chief, "imagine a five year old with a beard? And that includes girls. Some of them children can be very hairy indeed".

Opponents of the government, however, pointed out that the speech is a "load of codswallup" and "bunkum".

Barry Normal, of the Society for Free Thinking and Living Without Political Bullsh*t (S.F.T.L.W.P.B), says:
"The population of Great Britania is only about 60 million gentlefolk. M15's assertion is that everyone may be a terrorist.What a pile of snuff".

But Gordan Brown supports the M15 chiefs stance saying:
"Evidence has shown that people with beards are more likely to cause trouble. Look at the history: Che Guevara - bloody troublesome git;the IRA were all a bunch of beary weirdies and look at the trouble they did to us; Guy Fawkes had a very pretty beard but his lot tried to blow the sh*t out of us back in the olde days.

"History has shown us that beard wearers are a nuisance. That Al Quaeda lot all have bloody great big beards, dont they. What about that Osama Bin whatisname fellow. What's his game, eh? Hiding I tell you. Hiding from the stern fatherly hand of papa Brown. Well no more shall they. Off with their hairyness. Smooth skin and a good table manners are the way to good citizenship"

"The dramatic increase in beards in this fine nation is cause for great concern. I vow to rid our country and the world of hairy faces".

Father Dowling Actress planned 9/11 attacks

“Father Dowling’s Mysteries” actress Lori Petty was the brains behind the 9/11 terrorist attacks, so claims a new pop up book by British author Salmon Rushdie. The “Tank Girl” star is the real head of Al Qaeda and masterminded the whole operation from her home on the upper east side of New York.
Rushdie, the controversial writer of “The Satanic Verses” has researched the book for the past 5 years and has compiled what he believes to be conclusive proof of Petty’s involvement.
Lawyers for Miss Petty claim Mr. Rushdie is trying to appease the real 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden. They say Mr. Rushdie , who has a fatwa on him, hopes that Mr. Bin Laden can brush aside the death sentence. Mr Bin Laden is currently dating “Mean Girls” actress Lindsey Lohan.