Thursday, October 18, 2007
Pop superstar Madonna has signed a deal worth millions with his satanic magesty, The Devil. At a press converence in Malawi, the singer announced the details of the deal to the astonished press.
"I am saddened to be leaving Warners, who I have been working with for 25 years. But I am completely delighted to sign this megabucks deal with The Devil. I will be richer than I was before. Which is nice, mothaf*ckas", said Madonna, accompanied by a number of orphans and hangers-on.
The terms of the deal include a clause whereby Madonna must hand over her soul to Satan. This detail has caused much head scratching as many believed she had already given it to him years ago.
The Devil, himself resplendent in Gucci hooves and Armani suit, outlined the main points of the arrangement.
"She gets as much power, money, mansions, beach houses, record sales, servants faberge eggs as she wants. She will never age from this point onwards. I mean physically, or should I say "externally". On the inside she'll rot like a year old turnip. SHe'll have perfect teeth, hair, skin and be incredibly bendy so she can do as much of that yoga crap as she likes. But her internal organs are mine. I need 'em to get to that soul. It's in there somewhere, I know it is. And that baby's mine" .
Madonna's husband, film director Guy Richie, was asked to comment their future togerther now.
"May I talk, Mommy?", timidly asked the man child as he gazed upwards at his super rich wife before continuing when given a discreet nod of approval, "I sold my soul to the mister Devil man so that I could marry Madonna but my contract should be up soon.I aint gonna see a cent, mate. Baby Banda's getting the lot when she eventually pops 'er clogs. So basically I'm f*cked".
Madonna has warned that she will be releasing an album of childrens songs next year - in Latin - to celebrate her 50th birthday. The Devil has promised that it will sell millions of copies worldwide and that he will make every human on Earth learn the language before the years end.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Many thought that Anna Nicole - the Playboy Playmate who was married to an octogenarian billionaire, who saw her son die while visiting her in hospital after having a baby, married her lawyer before burying her son and then died herself shortly afterwards in the Bahamas (phew!) - was dead. But no! NASA scientists operating out of the canteen at Cape Canaveral have discovered that the star is alive and well and apparently living a "normal" life on the planet Uranus.
Professor Mosley Krapptawker explains:
"Some of our highly paid scientist's were doing a random search of the solar system after a late night drink and drugs fuelled binge, when all of a sudden something peculiar and unexpected showed up on our monitors. Upon closer examination and a process of elimination we deduced that what we'd sen was Anna Nicole Smith licking her lips on the northwestern side of the planet Uranus. We were quite suprised, as I'm sure you can understand."
Many theories have been put forward for the strange discovery. One being that Anna Nicole's body got mixed up with that of the body of James "Scotty" Doohan from Star Trek, who was to be buried in space. Journalists were later informed that Scotty could'nt be blasted into space due to a technicality and was returned to Earth. Was this a conspiracy to cover up the mistake of accidentally blasting Smith into the cosmos?
All of this fails to answer the central question. How could Anna Nicole be alive? Professor Krapptawker has an explanation:
"Miss Smith died with quite a substantial amount of prescription drugs and narcotics in her system. These drugs - under certain conditions such as low gravity and lack of oxygen - can have the efffect of reviving a person and in fact bringing them back to life".
But what of the appearance on Uranus?
"Miss Smith possible travelled for many millions of miles before getting sucked into the gravitational pull of Uranus. There she must have landed and continued to lead her life as normal".
NASAS nad several other internation space agencies have put in motion immediate plans to launch "exploration" missions to Uranus to photograph the (human) star.
"We've been appraoched by the National Enquiror and serveral British and German tabloids for pictures of Miss Smith sunbathing nude on the planets surface", said Professor Krapptawker, "she appears to be unfazed by the whole fact of coming back to life and living on another planet. It's almost as if she is used to living in her own little world".
Monday, October 1, 2007
Lederhosen wearing, wooden boy Pinnochio is set to testify in the OJ Simpson armed robbery trial.
Pinnochio, who has also given evidence at OJ's murder trial back in the mid-90's and Michael Jackson's various bizarre trials, recently offered his services to defence lawyers at the Phil "Crazy hair" Spector case.
It seems Mister Pinnochio somehow manags to turn up in the right place at the right time. His sweet demeanour and cutesy voice have all played there part in swaying jurors opinions.
"My Papa Gepeto always told me to be a good little Pinnochio and to never ever tell a lie. And I swear that I will never, ever lie", squeeked the little guy as he almost poked a journalists eye out with his nose.
OJ's team have great faith in the little man.
"I believe my client will be proven innocent on all counts thanks to the honesty and intergrity of Pinnochio. How could a jury not be swayed by his sweet, sweet words of truthfullness?", smiled Johnny Cochrane Jnr.
"I witnessed the whole thing", claims Pinnochio, "OJ is completly blameless. It's all a big conspiracy. Anyone can tell that OJ is a wonderful man who wouldn't hurt a fly".
Since his stalled film career, Pinnochio has become a professional witness for individual clients and large Multinationals such as Microsoft. It's said that Martha Stewert got sent down because she refused his services. Pinnochio himself was on the board of Enron yet managed to save his own skin by performing a little dance for the judges, who cleared him of all wrongdoing becuase he was so "lovely".