Friday, November 9, 2007
Jesus wasn't son of God: Pope to quit
Pope Benedict XVI, supreme leader of the Catholic population of the world is to quit his position after finding out that the figure his religion is based on was a fake.
The Vatican is in a state of disarray today after the announcement by a team of Dutch scientists who have forensically proven that Jesus was not in actual fact the Son of God, but merely a crap magician's assistant who prowled the middle East over 2000 years ago.
Vatican spokesman, Father Anus Prhoeb, had this to say to the throng of international reporters camped at St Peters basilica: "The holy Father is pissed off - and so am I for that matter. Can you imagine the embarrassment of quite literally putting your entire faith into a man who turns out to be a spoofer.
"Pope Benny is 80 years old. he's been believing this lark for all his life. And for what? Bullsh*t. We should have guessed it much earlier. C'mon, the signs were obvious: the cheesy wedding party wine tricks and that loaves and fishes thing is straight out of a cheap Vegas variety show."
The Dutch scientists took a sample of DNA from a fragment of an ancient diaper - which is said to be the one the baby Jesus wore in Bethlahem when he was born in the stable - and compared it to a sample from the hankerchief of a con-artist magician's assistant known as Dave who was at work in the Holy Land at the time of Jesus' life. The similarities were remarkable and were an almost perfect match - 99.6% conclusive.
"Jesus was Dave the Magic Guy", said Doctor Ruud Boye who led the forensics team who did the research, "Dave worked the sleazy clubs in Nazareth and places like that as an assistant to various popular magicians of the time. But he got tired of always playing second fiddle and decided when he was about 30 years old to go out on his own. This whole Christianity malarky is the work of someone who could have written for a spoof website and grabbed thousands of hits."
"All the major religions of the world regard Jesus as a holy man or prophet so in essense Dave fooled everybody, not just Christians. The protestant religion will just keep up the show 'cause they aren't really bothered so much with the J-man but the Roman Catholics are f*cked. Christamas may have to be renamed Dave's Day."
As for Pope Benedicts future, some have speculated that the shrivelled old prune may try to keep out of the spotlite and keep a low profile alongside his fiancee Paris Hilton who is pregnant with his child and due to give birth in late december.