Jack Osbourne dies after falling from magic carpet

Pathetic, useless waste of space no-hoper rich nobody, Jack Osbourne has died follwing an accident involving an electrocuted barbed wire fence and a magic carpet.

“We miss jack”, said his self promoting, useless, waste of space, no personality bitch mother, Sharon Osbourne, “but we’re grateful that his death has given us another piece of media coverage”.

Jack Osbourne is to be buried in a lavish Las Vegas themed ceremony which will be aired on MTV tomorrow and repeated every six hours for the next five years.

Nobody is expected to attend because nobody cares.

STOP PRESS: It turns out Jack Osbourne is NOT in fact dead! Links to a similar story involving his dad Ozzy and a certain quad bike accident a few years ago are being examined.

Bishop Desmond Tutu wins big in Las Vegas

Former Chairman of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Bishop Desmond Tutu, struck it rich at the slot machines on a wild weekend in Vegas. “I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams”, cackled the religious man as he gathered the 6 million dollar prize.

Bishop Tutu was accompanied by Carmen Electra, Wini Mandela and David Spade.

Shrek star attacks Sister Sister sisters

Shrek star Mike Myers has attacked the performance of twins Tia and Tamara Mowry of Sister Sister fame.
“They are without doubt the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen”, the not funny comedian said in a fake unrealistic accent, “nobody acts like those two. Their hand movements and general physical demeanour leaves a lot to be desired”.

Myers was responding to the sisters new performance art installation piece at the Sands Resort hotel in Las Vegas. The show which is a massive crowd pleaser and money maker has upset Myers.
“Twins holding the same pose for over two hours is not my idea of fun”, he griped.