Half Badger, Half Crocodile revealed to be Not Christina Aquilera

Residents of a quite suburb in Miami FL, have breathed a collective sigh of relief following the announcement by Miami Dade PD that a creature discovered in the florida everglades is not singing windbag Christina Aquilera.

At a hastily arranged press conference, Detective Walt Teaser described their finding in detail:
“What we have here is a mammel-reptilian hybrid that is half badger and half crocodile. Forensic results can confirm that it is not in any way related to Christina Aquilera. The state of emergency has been lifted and you can all go safely about your business as normal”

The town of Fiasco was put on red alert after a fisherman came upon the beast nestled in the long grass by a riverbank.
“It scared the heck out of me”, said fisherman Dan Reichter, “I was sure it was one of them Aquilera things”.

Robin Williams must change routine

“Mork and Mindy” wacko Robin Williams has been warned not to do comedy voice impressions anymore.
“It’s very tiresome and frankly not funny”, said an LAPD source.

“Romano” diet claims first Hollywood victim

The Romano Diet, invented by “Everybody loves Raymond” funny man Ray Romano, has claimed the life of “The Shield” actress CCH Pounder. The Romano Diet requires that no liquid, salt or food be consumed - ever.

Elton John stalker given police commendation

Convicted child murderer and Elton John stalker, John Lee Cooper has received a commendation from the LA county sherriffs department. “Mr Coopers actions have meant that Elton John has gone into hiding which is great”, beamed Sherriff Hal Hinkle.