Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Madonna given “arguido” status in missing Madeleine mystery
Pop superstar Madonna was today made a formal suspect by Portuguese police investigating missing British toddler Madeleine McCann.
“Madonna is now an arguido in our ungoing investigation”, said Detective Jose “ The Special One” Mourhino earlier today, “her previous record of taking a child from a Malawian man made us suspicious of her”.
Madonna, who has toured in Portugal before and was allegedly spotted hiding in a bush outside the Playa de Luz complex around the time of the child’s disappearance, has remained tight-lipped. Either that or she was too botoxed and was unable to move her mouth.
An eyewitness, Kelly Lyar, claims to have seen Madonna lurking around the holiday complex on the night Madeleine went missing.
“I saw a bush kind of moving and then I noticed something sparkly. I looked a little closer and then I realized it was Madonna wearing a diamond studded lycra bodysuit. I couldn’t believe it, I really couldn’t. I says to my fella, “’ere look at that, Tony, that’s Madonna that is”, and he say’s “Oh, don’t be a stupid cow, c’mon lets go and get pissed”.”
Unfortunately Kelly is an unreliable witness, having before claimed that she spotted both Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears in the same bush weeks previously. But Portuguese police have taken her claims seriously.
“Madonna has form”, said Detective Mourhino, “she is the predatory type. We believe she may be part of a group of wealthy female American entertainers who kidnap kids. We have our eye on Angelina Jolie, Mia Farrow and a few other ladies too.”
It was also revealed that mime artist Marcel Marceau came forward with information before his death last week.
“We never got to hear what he said”, said Mourhino, “he hung up before saying a word but we suspect it may have something to do with his old friend Michael Jackson. Or maybe not”.
Kate and Gerry McCann have welcomed the move forward in the search for their daughter.
“I never trusted the dirty cow since that whole David Banda thing”, said Gerry McCann describing Madonna, as he and Kate locked their twins in the boot of a hired car.
“The kids will be safe in there”, Kate added, “we are very good parents. Honest.”