Mental patient thanks Oprah for shooting his talking dog

A mental patient has praised the TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey for shooting his poodle with her AK-47 assult rifle.

Alvin Chipmonk, 43, from Housten TX, was ecstatic in his delight at Winfrey’s intervention:
“Oprah, you saved my life. If it wasn’t for you I may just have done something real bad. That dog of mine was a ticking time bomb, always telling me to do bad things”.

Winfrey fired on the dog while out walking with her friend Gayle at the “Benjamin Bonkers Asylum for the Insane” when she came upon the animal.

“Now everybody knows I love my guns”, boomed Winfrey, “and my good friend Gayle said ‘Oprah, look at that talking dog over there’. It was lucky I was carrying my gold-plated Kalashnikov at the time”.

The dog, Mister Tibbs, is in a comfortable position in hospital but doctors say he will never speak again.

Bette Midler gets liposuction on her tongue

“Beaches” fat woman Bette Midler has emerged from an exclusive Hollywood clinic with a sleek new tongue.

“Bette always had a fat tongue”, said her publicist, “they sucked a gallon of fat out of it and it looks great”.

Beatty not better

Ladies man Warren Beatty, who contracted a life threatening squirrel infection last week, is still in intensive care at an exclusive Hollywood hospital. Sources close to the ageing star say he is stable but still very sick. Close friends Colonel Gadaffi and Phyllis Diller are keeping a bedside vigil. It is still unknown how he contracted the illness.