American Idol judge Randy Jackson sinks sailboat full of kittens

American Idol fatboy judge, Randy Jackson, has sunk a twenty-five foot sailboat loaded with exotic kittens destined for the foreign market.

Mr. Jackson, a music producer and foot model, has become quite a specialist in sinking ships of late.

Late last month he scuttled an oil tanker off the coast of Newfoundland. Six days ago he sank a ship belonging to former Nine Inch Nails singer Trent Reznor in the Bahamas and only yesterday he torpedoed a fishing trawler off the coast of Spain.

“I try to do my thing”, said Jackson, “just workin’ my magic, dawg”.

Jackson claims his vandalism is part of his “great plan” for the world.

“Look, let me lay it out for you”, said Jackson, “my music, producing, American Idol and all that are just small fry. The goal is to sink ships, man. That’s were the life is, baby”.


Jackson remians free because authorities fear he may sink their little police boats.

George W Bush gets trapped in public toilet

President George W Bush had a lucky escape after getting trapped in a public toilet in a Dallas shopping mall.

“We saw the whole thing on CCTV”, said Jawanna Myles, “I work with the mall security team and we all laughed when we saw the President get trapped. It was so funny”.

C.I.A officials did not see it that way and a major security plan was put into action with all exits being blocked and a two mile cordon being set up around the mall perimeter.

Rumor has it that Bush dropped the keys to Air Force 1 down the lavatory and attempted to retrieve them but got into trouble when his $480,000 Rolex lodged in the U-bend, effectively trapping the fool.

“The President is unhurt”, said a White House spokesman, “terrorist links are being investigated and further action may yet be taken”.

Reports later in the afternoon came through that an Afghan Rolex factory was bombed by two F-16 fighter jets, but these two events may be unrelated.

Benitio del Toro to star in Hellboy 2

Actor Benitio del Toro has been cast as “Mumble Man” in the sequel to comic book movie Hellboy.

“I’ve admired Benito for his whole career”, said fat red haired, beardy director Guillermo del Torres.
The film will see Hellboy, played by Ron Pearlman, taking on the Chinese Communist Party led by lizard monster “Colin” (played by British actor Colin Firth).

“This film will be unique”, said del Torres, “in that nothing happens and you get to see nothing for the whole 2 hour runtime.All you hear are random voices and the odd sound effect.”
Asked if this might put off some viewers, del Torres was adamant it would not.
“The fan boy geeks will go watch anything- even if there is nothing there to see. They are so dumb”,laughed del Torres as his belly wobbled in excited bliss and foam gathered around the corners of his gaping mouth.

Retard movie banned in Oklahoma

A movie directed by Oscar Winner Steven Spielberg has been banned in Oklahoma by city officials.
“Retard” is a family movie about a boy who discovers a magical retard hiding in his garage.

“It’s a tale about a suburban boy whose father has recently passed away and he’s trying to come to terms with his loss”, said Spielberg, “he finds a special friend called Retard who helps him and his family”.

“We cover themes of love, loss, rebellion in this picture”, added Spielberg, “and with the 98% of the movie’s gross, I plan to buy a small South American country and rule it like a Sun God”.

Writer/producer George Lucas elaborated further;
“I can relate to retard a lot. I grew up in a relatively wealthy family, I became a multi millionaire very early in life, I’m now a multi-billionaire with an empire that’s viewed by some as a religion…“, Lucas pauses to stroke his beard, “actually I’m nothing like Retard”.

Retard will be portrayed by scary big mouth Sandra Bernhardt and the boy is being played by Jessica Alba.

Sick child blames 50 Cent for her illness

Terminally ill little girl, Laurie Wilson, has blamed rapper 50 Cent for her illness.

“He offered me candy and I ate it”, croaked the 9 year old Californian, “It was bad candy. It made me very sick”.
50 Cent previously ran an illegal candy shop.
Lawyers acting for 50 Cent deny the claim.

James Dean’s hands used as door stop

The severed hands of deceased movie star James Dean, were being using as a door stop in an Arizona diner.

The “Salty Dog” in Phoenix, Az had been using the hands for almost fifty years before a customer remarked how similar they looked to the dead icon.

“One of our regulars, who by the way is retarded, made the connection”, said waitress Elmira, “he stood up on the counter top and screeched at the top of his voice “them’s the hands of Jimmy Dean, them’s the hands of Jimmy Dean”, over and over again. Well, we just thought he was bonkers”.

The hands have now been returned to their legal owner, big haired singer Michael Bolton.

Doctor Phil scales the Empire State building while naked

TV advice guy Doctor Phil was captured by New York Police Department officers on Saturday while scaling the Empire State building completely nude.

“We thought it was another terrorist attack”, said officer Mike O’Shaughnessy, “how he reached the top without the aid of ropes or equipment is a puzzle”.

"Some of the boys couldn't resist asking him for advice on family problems and he was real helpful, despite all the press and commotion".

This isn’t the first time Doctor Phil has done this. Only last month he got halfway up the highest point on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco before being apprehended by a bunch of school kids.

Cavemen move into Jennifer Aniston’s V2 rocket display

Jennifer Aniston has some unwelcome visitors in her back garden. A group of Neolithic cavemen have set up home in Anniston’s antique World War II German V2 rocket collection.

“They moved in last Wednesday and are refusing to leave”, said local TV reporter Ben Chasemann of HWTV.

"Jen is not an antisocial person but when you have a bunch of - quite honestly - neanderthols lvining in close proximity to some rockets you just know that thats not such a great idea".


Aniston has reputedly turned for help to former husband Brad Pitt, who himself found himself in an identical situation some years back.

David Blaine plans next magical stunt

Street magician David Blaine has announced his latest daring stunt.

“I’m going to be coated in mouse urine”, droned Blaine, “and I’m going to stand in the middle of Times Square for a month. And I’m going to be balancing a small monkey on my nose. And I’m not going to drink any soda”.

Asked what this has to do with magic or illusion, Mr Blaine refused to reply and merely stared at reporters for hours without blinking.

Kirsten Dunst giggles her way into history

Spiderman actress Kirsten Dunst first came to the worlds attention playing a precocious vampire child in Interview With The Vampire but little did she know back then that she would enter the history books for the greatest amount of giggling during an interview.

“During the promotional tour for Spiderman 3, Kirsten giggled an amazing 937 million times, which beats the previous record set by airheads Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz “, says Guinness Book of World Records spokesman Jeremy Jeffers.

Joan Rivers stretches her face to Antarctica

Occasionally funny lady Joan Rivers has stretched her face all the way from New York to the ice laden continent Antarctica.

“What can I say, I’m a crazy bitch with an elastic face”, said Ms Rivers.

Brandy assaults Mandy after bingeing on Candy

America’s Got Talent judge Brandy physically assaulted Mandy Moore in a LA car park after bingeing on a diet of candy bars donated to her by the Hershey company.

“She was crazy”, said eyewitness Laeticia Jackson, “her eyes were all crazy and stuff like she was on drugs or something”.

Hershey has admitted to including “trace” amounts of crack cocaine and L.S.D in its candy treats.

“Waynes World” actress Tia Carrere crashes motorized helmet into funeral home

Tia Carrere who played Mike Myers' love interest in the Wayne’s World movies was arrested after crashing a motorized ½ tonne helmet vehicle into a funeral home in West Hollywood.

“She lost control of the vehicle”, said Officer Mike Rush of the LAPD, “it’s just lucky that everyone she hit were already dead”.

Bette Midler gets liposuction on her tongue

“Beaches” fat woman Bette Midler has emerged from an exclusive Hollywood clinic with a sleek new tongue.

“Bette always had a fat tongue”, said her publicist, “they sucked a gallon of fat out of it and it looks great”.

Foo Fighters front man sells Courtney Love to Dutch sailors

Foo Fighters lead singer and guitarist Dave Grohl has sold his former deceased Nirvana bandmate Kurt Cobain’s widow to Dutch Sailors.

“it’s what Kurt would have wanted”, said Groehl.

Conan O’ Brian rides shiny new bicycle

Funny man talk show host Conan O Brian has been test-driving his shiny new bicycle.

“I like the bell. A lot”, said O’ Brian.

Stereotypes protest in Hollywood

Stereotypes are protesting at the gates of all the major Hollywood studios.

“It’s not fair”, said bumbling British fop Hugh Grant, “they never put us in films anymore. When was the last time you saw me play a bumbling British fop?”.

Other well known faces in attendance were swarthy aging Arab stereotype Omar Sharif, swarthy aging Italian stereotype Ricardo Montalban, old eternally wise black men stereotypes Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones, nerdy nervous weakling stereotype Rick Moranis and wise cracking annoying sidekick stereotype Tom Arnold.

“Hollywood just doesn’t use stereotypes the way they used to”, bemoaned explosive midget Italian-American mob wise guy stereotype, Joe Pesci, “I’m here supporting all of us Italian-American mob stereotypes, especially the guys from The Soprano’s. What the hell are they gonna do now that the shows been axed?”.

Michael Moore documentary tackles Michael Moore documentaries

Swashbuckling documentarian Michael Moore’s latest project sees the fat man taking on the might of himself.

“Who am I?”, asks Moore, “when did documentaries become popular entertainment for the big screen? Why don’t any of my clothes fit properly? I think the American public need to know, don’t you?”.

The film, entitled "Michael More More Moore!", is expected early next year.

Ludacris makes gigantic fish head sculpture to aid artic sea lions

Rapper Ludacris collected fish heads as a hobby until he stumbled upon a National Geographic TV program about the artic sea lion.

“I saw that show and I swear to God I never cried so much in my life. And I swore to almighty God that I would make a fifty foot sculpture and donate it to those little guys”, said Ludacris.

The finished work, entitled “Ode to the Artic”, will be presented to a sea lion community in Canada later this month.

“I just pray to God they appreciate the work”, added Ludacris

Christina Ricci plays Madonna’s eyebrows in 80’s set film

Christina Ricci will play the busy eyebrows beloved of Madonna in a movie set in the superstar’s early career.

“She had these big hairy eyebrows back at the start of her career and as the she progressed they got thinner and more plucked”, said Ricci, “They had a character all of their own which is why we’ve made a movie about them”.

Madonna’s Eyebrows opens nationwide shortly.

Buddhist hamster lover, Richard Gere, shocks bus full of school kids with electric chair

Richard Gere caused upset on Friday when he accidentally electrocuted a school bus of boys and girls from a local junior.

“The Pretty Woman guy was playing around with a portable electric chair when things just got way out of hand”, said an eyewitness.

Twelve kids were rushed to hospital with burn injuries and shock.

Mr. Gere claimed he was “researching a film role”.

Mickey Rourke's dog meets Zimbabewe's Robert Mugabe

Mickey Rourkes dog, who was appointed by Governor Schwarzenegger as leader of a fact finding mission to Zimbabwe meet Robert Mugabe yesterday. The two discussed both domestic and foreign policies and enjoyed a casual stroll in a nearby park.

“We came to many good decisions on absolutely nothing”, smiled Mr. Mugabe

Matlock makes rare appearance to promote Lil Kim clothing line

TV’s “Matlock” Andy Griffith turned up to promote Lil Kim’s new fashion line for oversized short women.
“I don’t know why I’m here”, said Griffith to much laughter. “No. I honestly don’t know how I got here or why”, said the confused star.

Antonio Bandaras blames Melanie Griffith and roller-skates for crap career

“Desperado” actor Antonio Bandaras blames his wife Melanie Griffith for his recent bad run of movies.
“Melanie is like poison”, said the Spanish actor, “in Spanish we call her El Diablo (The Devil). I was once popular, but then I married her. Melanie Griffith and her damn roller-skating. She has destroyed me!”
Bandaras is starring in Turkish film "All my lovely Sheep" at the moment.