Bob Newhart lives in a wheel

Deadpan comedian Bob Newhart is so poor that he has had to live in a wheel. “I’m very poor”, said Newhart.

Liza Minelli hits out at “ungrateful” strippers

Liza Minelli has hit out at complaints made by Strippers of America, the regulatory body for strippers operating in the US. “Aren’t I entitled to do a full body strip as part of my show?”, said Minelli, “it’s tastefully done”. The strippers claim Minelli is a big, fat hunchback and that she does a disservice to their industry.

ER doctor Mekhi Pfeiffer scours bathtub for signs of life

“8 Mile” and “ER” actor Mekhi Pfeiffer is spending his weekends searching his bathtub for life. “So far I’ve found a couple of fish, an old boot and a rusty metal bed”, complained Pfeiffer, “there’s gotta be a monster or something down here somewhere. Hasn’t there?”.

Samuel L Jackson to front Ku Klux Klan ad campaign

“Snakes on a Plane” actor Samuel L Jackson never turns down a chance to appear on screen. His next appearance will be on a nationwide advertising campaign promoting racist idiots the Ku Klux Klan.
“We needed someone that Klan members can relate to for the campaign. Sam Jackson is the perfect guy for the job”, spouted Klansman Robert D Pepper III.

Adam Sandler looses legs in frostbite incident

Comedian Adam Sandler lost his legs after falling into an ice cream van. “He wanted a sno cone but stood too close to the ice box”, said Ice Cream Guy Billy.

Republican candidate Giuliani will “turn back time”

Former New York mayor, Rudolph Giuliani says he want’s America to go back to a safer time.
“You know in the very first Superman movie the bit where Superman flies around the world so fast that time goes backwards and he saves Lois Lane because everything goes back to the way it was before Lex Luthor created the giant earthquake which killed her?”, said an excited Giuliani at a Republican fundraiser, “well that’s what I’m going to do if elected”. When told that pop star e Spears already has a time machine that can do the same thing, Giuliani meekly stepped away from the podium and sat silently in the corner.

Michael Jackson opens free babysitting service

Plastic faced Holocaust denier, Michael Jackson has opened a child-minding center right in the heart of Beverly Hills. “It’s for deprived rich kids”, squealed Jackson, “it’s a place where they can come and play and each room has a special door and I’ll be waiting behind it if they get too close”.

Donny Osmond has already taken his kids to the center. “Michael’s a friend”, smiled Osmond as he kept an eagle eyed watch on a slightly ajar door near his kids.

Robert DeNiro calls foul on fowl

Taxi Driver nut job Robert DeNiro has banned chicken’s from the set of his latest movie “Once upon a Time in Chicken Land”. “I don’t like ‘em. Never did”, moaned the star.

Paris and pope Benedict spotted at exclusive maternity ware store

Mom to be, Paris Hilton was spotted snapping up diamond encrusted “maternity” tiaras at Le Chic Mom on Rodeo Drive. Accompanying her was her boyfriend Pope Benedict XVI, dressed in a turquoise tracksuit and trainers.

Simpsons creator stabs the “Rapping Granny” in the knees

Simpsons creator Matt Groening said “I didn’t do it” yesterday from his Palm Beach retreat. Mr Groening was responding to complaints that he viciously assaulted America’s Got Talent contestant “The Rapping Granny” with an 8-inch blade at an LA strip joint. “Look, there’s a million crazy Vietnam vet’s out there that look just like me”, claimed Groening, “it’ll never stand up in court. And neither will she”.

Josh Brolin commandeers submarine and fires nuke while drunk on stepmothers urine

“Hollow Man” actor and son of ”Hotel” actor James, Josh Brolin commandeered a US nuclear submarine during a nighttime drinking binge on stepmother Barbara Steisands vintage urine collection. US Naval authorities have expressed dismay at Mr. Brolin’s childish antics. “He’s a bad, bad boy”, said a Navy spokesman.

A San Diego city block was destroyed during Brolin’s naughty nuclear launch. “He f*cked up, big time”, griped newly appointed Nuclear Energy Spokeswoman Rosie O Donnell as she surveyed the scene.

British Royal family capture escaped murderer Angela Lansbury

British newspaper, The Daily Mail, reports that the Royal Family have intercepted escaped killer Angela Lansbury. The “Murder She Wrote” actress was apparently fired upon and wounded by Queen Elizabeth.

Lansbury is set to be deported to the US where she will serve the remainder of her sentence for killing Mafia Don John Goti at San Quentin correctional facility.

Howard the Duck remake planned

A remake of “Howard The Duck” is being negotiated. “The time is right for an update”, enthused producer and writer George Lucas. The duck will be played by William Shatner in a papier mache costume

Indiana Jones movie closes New Delhi hair salon

Makers of the new “Indiana Jones” movie apologized for the forced closure of a hair salon in New Delhi, India. “We apologized to staff and customers and it’s been cleared up”, said a Dreamworks spokeswoman.
The problem related to Harrison Ford’s fear of filming near Indian hair salons

6th Sense boy’s career ended by Hallucinations

Star of monster hit “The 6th Sense”, Haley Joel Osment has had his career cut short by hallucinations.
“I see dead people”, said the now teenage nut.

Cabbage Patch Kids modeled on Mickey Rooney

Playboy Playmate Mickey Rooney was the inspiration for ancient doll sensation the Cabbage Patch Kids series of dolls.

“The dolls creator put me up on his knee and said, ‘Mickey, how’d you like to become the face of a great new toy. Y’ know, for kids’. And I said sign me up, baby”, recalled the onion headed old timer.

MTV to show music videos

Music video channel MTV is to start showing music video’s on a trial basis.

“We’ll start off slow with one video a month during Jackass repeats and then maybe increase it to two every month afterwards”, said MTV spokesman Dirk Heder.
MTV’s Pimp My Ride season begins tonite and ends Fall 2009.

Horror writer Steven King in legal battle with panda

“Carrie” writer Steven King is locked in a tense legal battle with a 4 year old female panda. Lawyers for the bamboo-loving mammal, which lives at San Francisco zoo, claim she wrote Kings as yet unpublished novel “The Blood Givers”.

Police singer Sting burns Amazon rainforest for “a bit of fun”

The Police singer and solo artist Sting has destroyed almost 1000 acres of Amazonian rain forest. “It was just a bit of fun”, sneered the pompous show off, “you should be bloody well grateful I didn’t torch the lot of that useless place”.

Fidel Castro hires dance act Stomp to be personal bodyguards

Unwell Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has taken noisy dance troupe Stomp as personal bodyguards.
“Fidel likes load noise and we’re very noisy”, said one Stomp member, “when he’s feeling up to it he even straps on a couple of trash can lids and bashes out the beats”.

Arrested Developments Portia de Rossi fits sack of flour in her mouth

Arrested Development’s Portia de Rossi has stuffed her mouth with 18oz of self-raising flour, according to friend, country singer Lyle Lovitt.

“I don’t know where she comes up with these tricks”, smirked Lovitt, “it’s a real head scratcher, for sure”.

Robin Williams must change routine

“Mork and Mindy” wacko Robin Williams has been warned not to do comedy voice impressions anymore.
“It’s very tiresome and frankly not funny”, said an LAPD source.

U2 frontman sells orphans on eBay

Bono, the lead singer of Irish rockers U2 has been caught selling African orphans on Internet auction site eBay again. “It’s against company policy to sell humans. The seller in question has been banned”, stated an eBay spokesperson.

Last Temptation’s Jim Caviezel knows “everybody in America”

“Jesus” actor Jim Caviezel claims he’s met every single citizen in America.

“It’s true. Pick a name at random from the phone book and I bet you I’ve met them“, challenged the actor, “I get around, every time somebody auditions for American Idol, I’m there. Every TV show or a kid being born in a hospital I’m waiting at the door to shake your hand. Every baseball or gridiron game, I’m the guy handing out peanuts in the stands. You mightn’t know me, but I sure as hell know you”.

Jessica Simpson denies plot to overthrow Pakistani government

“Dukes of Hazard” cardboard cutout Jessica Simpson has denied allegations that she planned a coup to overthrow President Musharaff’s government in Pakistan. “I didn’t so it. Honest”, cried Simpson.

Her sister Ashley Simpson is serving a 5 month jail term for organizing a failed military coup in neighboring Kashmir.