Zombie Olympics to be opened by Mel Gibson

The XXIII Zombie Olympiad’s official opening ceremony begins later today with a host of celebrities in attendence.

The Olympic torch will be extinguished by none other than movie star and leper Mel Gibson.

“It is an honor to be chosen”, said Mad Mel, “the extinguishing of the Olympic torch symbolises the removal of the zombie’s greastest fear - fire - and allows the proud athletes to compete in safety”.

Popular events include the 100 meters sprint, which takes over an hour to complete due to the slowness of the competitors.

“What I’m really excited about seeing”, said Gibson, “is the swimming events. The water turns to porridge after a couple of laps”.

Lindsey lohan trains sheep to tapdance for new TV show

Bonkers celebrity bitch, Lindsey Lohan has been busy lately training sheep how to tapdance for a new POX show. Entitled “Lindsey Tap-Dances With Sheep”, the show sees Lindsey undertake to teach different dance moves each week to a group of rythmless sheep.

“It’s a way to combine my two great loves”, said Lohan, “dance and animals”.

Viewers are invited to vote by tele-pole for their favorite sheep each week and which one goes back to the slaughter house.

“Some say it’s cruel”, said producer Alotta Munny, “some say it’s car-crash TV with Lindsey at the steering wheel. Well I say it’s just plain old greed, Baby”.

“Lindsey Tap-Dances With Sheep” debuts September 20 on POX.

Steven Seagal invites fat girls to howl at his house

Tubby 90’s action hero, Steven Seagal has been spotted placing notices on store windows in Boise, Idaho, calling on fat girls to howl at his house.

The notice reads as follows:

Wanted: Big boned girls, aged 18 +, to gather outside the house of once famous action movie star. Ability to howl a bonus. No experience necessary. This is an unpaid position but may lead to further work. Telephone 555 ********.

Locals are confused by the cryptic notice.
“We get a lot of guy’s around here wanting girls to howl at their house”, said one local resident, “but who the hell is this Steven Seagull character?”.

Rap mogul Angela Landsbury promotes new roster of “talent”

“Murder She Wrote” actress and jailed killer Angela Landsbury has been unveiling the roster of new acts she has signed to her “Crack Bitch” label.

Landsbury, who is serving multiple life sentences in San Quentin for murder and kidnapping offences, held a press conference from her prison cell. The acts include “Hairy John”, “Fat Larry” and “Big Boi Caprese”.

"I'm fizzle jizzle to the snizzle whizzle", said Lansbury as she rlled a joint and handed it to her cell mate, Big Bubba.

Due to federal financial regulations, all income from Landsbury’s earnings must be donated to the victims of her crimes, so mafia crime boss John Gotti’s widow is in for another mega windfall.

Braindamaged Pagans encourage Valdimir Putin to shelve boogie-woogie ban

Liza Lotte , the founder and patron of the Brain-dead Pagans Association, has called on peace-loving Russian premier Vladimir "The Body" Putin to end his country’s ban on boogie-woogie music.

“Being brain-damaged pagans, we don’t have much else to do but dance”, said a heartfelt Liza, “music is our release. Mr. Putin has crossed the line in the sand. He has crossed the line between decency and disrespect. He has banned boogie-woogie”.

Russia has targeted the old time music out of fears that it may corrupt the nations peace-loving youth, but small sections of the populace still hold secret boogie-woogie dances in rural village homes.

“ We need peoples to focus on work”, said Russian security advisor, Olga, in comically bad English, “build submarine, build factory, build strong soldier to fight, drink wodka. No time for this boogie-woogie”.

Putin has indicated that he may be willing to make a compromise in exchange for being given control of the Artic Circle, a Moon base, control of all the sea’s of the world and a signed photo of dead Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith.

My Chemical Romance lady-boys dating Maroon 5 lady-boys

The members of crap lady-boy band My Chemical Romance are dating the members of crap lady-boy band Maroon 5.

“A lack of talent, character, originality and attitude brought them together”, said a spokesperson for the two acts.

“Prison Break” actor William Fitchner loves stairs

William Fitchner, who plays Agent Alex Mahone in TV‘s “Prison Break”, loves stairs.

“I love ‘em”, smiled Fitchner, “I can’t get enough of them. When everyone else goes home, I stay two, maybe three hours later just going up and down those stairs”.

The actor feels the fixation appeared after appearing in the TV show “Invasion” in which he played a sheriff.

“That show was quite different”, said Fitchner, “there were very few stairs in any of the scenes. Invasion took place in a rural location and there was hardly any stairs around except for the odd step here and there. But Prison Break…., well Prison Break is the opposite. Every week there are lots and lots of stairs, stair ways, escalators, ramps, you name it they’ve got it”.

Fichtner is looking forward to his next vacation.
“I’m heading to Europe. I want to climb the steps of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and check out the steps leading up to the leaning Tower of Pisa”, said the stair-fixated thespian.

Britney Spears to play Statue of Liberty in new movie

Baldy singer Brittany Spears will play the Statue of Liberty in a new Hollywood movie being produced by Warner Brothers.

“Custody for Liberty” shows the battle the statue fought in 1889 to keep custody of it’s infant daughter.

“Liberty has lead an incredible life”, said director Martin Scorsese, “ her affair with the Eiffel Tower, her struggle to hold onto their love-child, her depression and drugs fuelled rants. All these things are going to be shown in the movie”.

“I met Brittany last year in a junkyard”, continued Scorsese, “A lovely girl. Very dedicated to the role. I think she will bring a lot of her own life experiences to the part”.

The film co-stars “Seinfeld’s” Jason Alexander as The Eiffel Tower, William Baldwin as the “Jefferson Memorial” and Camryn Manheim as “Graceland”.

Guitarist Slash breaks thumbs whilst tickling whale

“Velvet Revolver” guitarist Slash has ended up in hospital after breaking both his thumbs while tickling a blue whale.

“I’m hurtin’, man”, groaned Slash, “if I thought something like this could happen I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near the damn thing”.

The blue whale, the largest creature that has ever existed which even dwarfs the dinosaurs, washed up in the former “Guns ‘n Roses” guitarists swimming pool.
It’s reported that Slah awake in the early hours of the morning, saw the creature and immediately rushed down from his bedroom to try and “play” it.

“Major bad idea, man”, said the wounded musician.

Hollywood Sign home to Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

Hollywood couple Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon have set up home alongside the Hollywood sign.

“We are protesting”, said Robbins, “we’re just not sure what we’re protesting about yet, though”.

The liberal-loving duo have backed many good causes in the past and are strong opponents of the war in Iraq.

“We both hate war”, said Sarandon, “we hate war so much we are willing to kill for it. In fact I may just kill you right now..”

“That’s true”, interrupted Robbins, “we’ll kill anyone who doesn’t oppose war . So watch your backs people -'cos were watching you”.

“Dancing Rascists” musical wows Broadway critics and fans

“Dancing Racists‘”, a depression-era set musical starring Jean Claude Van Damme and Piper Perabo has been drawing in record box office numbers with multiple sell out shows.

“It’s a phenomenom”, said Van Damme, “I haven’t been this popular since Time Cop and even then I wasn't that popular”.

The musical deals with themes of love and loss amongst a small town community in rural America.

“We have to come to terms with such things as robot monsters, killer plants, angry black people and stuff like that”, continued Van Damme.

Suprisingly the musical has even attracted praise from unlikely sources such as Amnesty International.

“It features stereotypes of all colors and creeds”, said Lizzie Dolson of Amnesty International, “the dancing minstrel housemaid, the Irish drunken thief, the Chinese kung-fu expert chef and they even manage to squeeze in a part for an igloo building Inuit”.

“Dancing Rascists” is produced by Mel Gibsons production company Icon and directed by Gibson’s father.

Jack Osbourne dies after falling from magic carpet

Pathetic, useless waste of space no-hoper rich nobody, Jack Osbourne has died follwing an accident involving an electrocuted barbed wire fence and a magic carpet.

“We miss jack”, said his self promoting, useless, waste of space, no personality bitch mother, Sharon Osbourne, “but we’re grateful that his death has given us another piece of media coverage”.

Jack Osbourne is to be buried in a lavish Las Vegas themed ceremony which will be aired on MTV tomorrow and repeated every six hours for the next five years.

Nobody is expected to attend because nobody cares.

STOP PRESS: It turns out Jack Osbourne is NOT in fact dead! Links to a similar story involving his dad Ozzy and a certain quad bike accident a few years ago are being examined.

Entourage actor Adrian Grenier threatens to quit show unless he is given gills

Entourage actor Adrian Grenier has threatened to quit the hit TV show unless producers pay for surgery to implant gills on the actors neck.

“Adrian is an average actor”, said an insider,”in fact he’s actually a below average actor. Why the heck should they (the shows producers) pay for him to get the operation? C’mon, it’s not as if he’s auditioning for the remake of The Man from Atlantis, is it?”

Greneier is reputed to be interested in auditioning for the remake of the classic Patrick Duffy-starring TV series “The Man From Atlantis” about a man who has gills and can breath underwater.

"Ok, I stand corrected", admitted the insider

Mariah Carey glues face to old man’s leg

Singer Mariah Carey got herself in a sticky situation when she accidentally glued her face to the leg of an 85 year old man.

The incident occurred at a Palm Springs resort, where Carey was recording her latest album of ballads dedicated to hopeless celebrities.

“Mariah is ok”, said a spokeswoman for the singer, “but she was a little shaken by the whole glue thing”.

The man was named as Bobby Bigglesworth, an octogenarian male escort from Flint, Michigan, who is living in the Happy Daze Retirement Home with his dog, Skip.

It’s unknown how, or indeed why, Carey glued her face to the man, but it may have something to do with her madness.

Charlton Heston slams the National Rifle Association for “gun loving”

Legendary Hollywood actor and N.R.A spokesman Charlton Heston has slammed the association for what he calls a “gun loving” attitude.

Speaking at a remarkably bizarre rally staged in Augusta, Georgia, Heston, while stoned out of his head on drugs, said :

“Must we be so gun loving? Are we that inhumane that we ignore the plight of our fellow man? Where is the tower of strength, the communal care, the flying monkeys? Are we not men?”

The speech was greeted with cheers from the assembled masses who laid down their weapons and pledged to bring love to the world through yoga and seafood cooking.

“He spoke what I was thinking all along”, said NRA member JD Calvin Cuttle, “my heart was beating so fast while he spoke I surely thought it was gonna explode. And the flying monkey reference really rang through with myself and my family”.

Mr. Heston exited the building on a flying monkey accompanied by a talking mouse and a sheep, according to N.R.A eyewitnesses gathered at the L.S.D table.

African Charity donates money to Church of Scientology

African based charity “The Good Givers” has donated a large unspecified sum of money to the Church of Scientology.

“We heard on the radio about the plight of the Scientologists in America”, said spokeswoman Adejale Bijunbumbo of “The Good Givers”, “every sixty seconds a Scientologists goes broke somewhere in the US. Our donation we hope will help bring some relief to these poor people”.

“The Good Givers” were founded in 1984 in Ethiopia by a group of friendly Warlords backed by Britain and the Reagan Administration here in the US.
Although the donation is unspecified, it is thought to exceed three Billion dollars.

"We hope the Scientologists can rebuild some of their centers and continue to make money for loony Hollywood stars", said a teary eyed Mr. Bijunbumbo

American Idol judge Randy Jackson sinks sailboat full of kittens

American Idol fatboy judge, Randy Jackson, has sunk a twenty-five foot sailboat loaded with exotic kittens destined for the foreign market.

Mr. Jackson, a music producer and foot model, has become quite a specialist in sinking ships of late.

Late last month he scuttled an oil tanker off the coast of Newfoundland. Six days ago he sank a ship belonging to former Nine Inch Nails singer Trent Reznor in the Bahamas and only yesterday he torpedoed a fishing trawler off the coast of Spain.

“I try to do my thing”, said Jackson, “just workin’ my magic, dawg”.

Jackson claims his vandalism is part of his “great plan” for the world.

“Look, let me lay it out for you”, said Jackson, “my music, producing, American Idol and all that are just small fry. The goal is to sink ships, man. That’s were the life is, baby”.


Jackson remians free because authorities fear he may sink their little police boats.

George W Bush gets trapped in public toilet

President George W Bush had a lucky escape after getting trapped in a public toilet in a Dallas shopping mall.

“We saw the whole thing on CCTV”, said Jawanna Myles, “I work with the mall security team and we all laughed when we saw the President get trapped. It was so funny”.

C.I.A officials did not see it that way and a major security plan was put into action with all exits being blocked and a two mile cordon being set up around the mall perimeter.

Rumor has it that Bush dropped the keys to Air Force 1 down the lavatory and attempted to retrieve them but got into trouble when his $480,000 Rolex lodged in the U-bend, effectively trapping the fool.

“The President is unhurt”, said a White House spokesman, “terrorist links are being investigated and further action may yet be taken”.

Reports later in the afternoon came through that an Afghan Rolex factory was bombed by two F-16 fighter jets, but these two events may be unrelated.

Benitio del Toro to star in Hellboy 2

Actor Benitio del Toro has been cast as “Mumble Man” in the sequel to comic book movie Hellboy.

“I’ve admired Benito for his whole career”, said fat red haired, beardy director Guillermo del Torres.
The film will see Hellboy, played by Ron Pearlman, taking on the Chinese Communist Party led by lizard monster “Colin” (played by British actor Colin Firth).

“This film will be unique”, said del Torres, “in that nothing happens and you get to see nothing for the whole 2 hour runtime.All you hear are random voices and the odd sound effect.”
Asked if this might put off some viewers, del Torres was adamant it would not.
“The fan boy geeks will go watch anything- even if there is nothing there to see. They are so dumb”,laughed del Torres as his belly wobbled in excited bliss and foam gathered around the corners of his gaping mouth.

Retard movie banned in Oklahoma

A movie directed by Oscar Winner Steven Spielberg has been banned in Oklahoma by city officials.
“Retard” is a family movie about a boy who discovers a magical retard hiding in his garage.

“It’s a tale about a suburban boy whose father has recently passed away and he’s trying to come to terms with his loss”, said Spielberg, “he finds a special friend called Retard who helps him and his family”.

“We cover themes of love, loss, rebellion in this picture”, added Spielberg, “and with the 98% of the movie’s gross, I plan to buy a small South American country and rule it like a Sun God”.

Writer/producer George Lucas elaborated further;
“I can relate to retard a lot. I grew up in a relatively wealthy family, I became a multi millionaire very early in life, I’m now a multi-billionaire with an empire that’s viewed by some as a religion…“, Lucas pauses to stroke his beard, “actually I’m nothing like Retard”.

Retard will be portrayed by scary big mouth Sandra Bernhardt and the boy is being played by Jessica Alba.

Sick child blames 50 Cent for her illness

Terminally ill little girl, Laurie Wilson, has blamed rapper 50 Cent for her illness.

“He offered me candy and I ate it”, croaked the 9 year old Californian, “It was bad candy. It made me very sick”.
50 Cent previously ran an illegal candy shop.
Lawyers acting for 50 Cent deny the claim.