Jack Osbourne dies after falling from magic carpet

Pathetic, useless waste of space no-hoper rich nobody, Jack Osbourne has died follwing an accident involving an electrocuted barbed wire fence and a magic carpet.

“We miss jack”, said his self promoting, useless, waste of space, no personality bitch mother, Sharon Osbourne, “but we’re grateful that his death has given us another piece of media coverage”.

Jack Osbourne is to be buried in a lavish Las Vegas themed ceremony which will be aired on MTV tomorrow and repeated every six hours for the next five years.

Nobody is expected to attend because nobody cares.

STOP PRESS: It turns out Jack Osbourne is NOT in fact dead! Links to a similar story involving his dad Ozzy and a certain quad bike accident a few years ago are being examined.

“Waynes World” actress Tia Carrere crashes motorized helmet into funeral home

Tia Carrere who played Mike Myers' love interest in the Wayne’s World movies was arrested after crashing a motorized ½ tonne helmet vehicle into a funeral home in West Hollywood.

“She lost control of the vehicle”, said Officer Mike Rush of the LAPD, “it’s just lucky that everyone she hit were already dead”.

Scarlett Johannson is “Lost in Translation” at Bolivian Clowns funeral

Scarlett Johannson amazed funeral goers with a unique interpretaion of 80’s Euro poodle rockers “Europe’s” anthem, “The Final Countdown”.

The sausage-lipped beauty was attending the funeral of 1940’s South American children’s entertainer “Quito the Clown” in La Paz, Bolivia.

“I don’t know who she is. What is she doing here?”, trembled Quito’s 86 year old widow.