"Nazi Supermen Are Our Masters" - Mel Gibson tells Jewish school kids

Movie star/director/nut-case, Mel 'Gibbo' Gibson, has once again shocked the respectable world of Hollywood by declaring his 'admiration' for Nazi's - to a group of Jewish school children while visiting their school.

Gibson - described as 'bonkers' by one little boy - entered the classroom with his ageing xenophobic Father and began ranting and raving while handing out food vouchers for his local KKK-owned supermarket and homemade gingerbread Hitler cookies.

"He told us that Nazi supermen are our masters. What's a Nazi?", sobbed 9-year-old Timmy.

The children's schoolteacher Miss Sensible sensed danger and immediately instructed the class to resume the Gibbo position.

"Every Jewish school has a Gibbo safety policy which we practice twice a day", said the sensible Miss Sensible , "some people thought we were too reactionary but thank god for our training".

At the end of his rant, Gibson leapt from a 3rd floor window to the street below and escaped -naked - by foot into surrounding brush.
His Father took the stairs. Literally.
Firemen had to use ladders to rescue the stranded kids.

Gibson has subsequently apologized for his outburst and blamed it on drink and society.

Large, hairy men form human shield around Robin Williams house

It has been reported that a human ring of burly hirsute men have gathered around the luxurious home of comedian Robin Williams.

The drastic step was taken following an unidentified callers claim that Williams was to be the latest target of a spate of shaving attacks in the celebrity area’s of Hollywood.

“I was scared sh*tless”, said neighbor and Esperanto speaker, William Shatner, “the thought that something like that could happen in this neighborhood makes me very worried. When I think of what they could have done to Robin‘s hairy shoulders and back it just makes me shiver all over”.

A spokesman for “Selebrity Security”, the security firm employed by Williams and other well known homeowners, explained the “Hairy man” defence technique:
“In order to get to the occupant, the intruder must first fight through the gauntlet of specially trained, extremely hairy men. The assailant, usually armed with a common electric shaver will pretty much always fail as either the blades clog up or he runs out of battery power”.

Police sources say they are hunting a white Caucasian male, dressed like the McDonalds Hamburgler.

Tom Cruise and John Travolta convert to new Sausagology religion

Tom Cruise and John Travolta have switched from one cult to another equally bonkers one.

“Scientology was fun”, said Travolta, “but I needed something that was crazier and made less sense”.

The growing religion of Sausagology teaches believers that the universe was created by the Great Sausage God zillions of years ago and that the earth and all it’s creatures, including human beings, were formed for the purpose of spreading the gospel of sausage to unsuspecting fools.

“I just think it’s great”, grinned new face of garden gnomes, Cruise, “Sausagology allows me to be who I really am. My life has changed. Plus I don’t have to pay millions of dollars each year to keep the damn religion off my back”.

Meetings take place at various sausage centers around the country, where the congragents gather to talk about sausages and sing songs about sausages and do other sausage-based things.

“But we are forbidden to actually eat sausages”, added Cruise, “which is really hard for John (Travolta) to not do, seeing as he's such a fat bast*rd”.

Hollywood Sign home to Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

Hollywood couple Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon have set up home alongside the Hollywood sign.

“We are protesting”, said Robbins, “we’re just not sure what we’re protesting about yet, though”.

The liberal-loving duo have backed many good causes in the past and are strong opponents of the war in Iraq.

“We both hate war”, said Sarandon, “we hate war so much we are willing to kill for it. In fact I may just kill you right now..”

“That’s true”, interrupted Robbins, “we’ll kill anyone who doesn’t oppose war . So watch your backs people -'cos were watching you”.

Bette Midler gets liposuction on her tongue

“Beaches” fat woman Bette Midler has emerged from an exclusive Hollywood clinic with a sleek new tongue.

“Bette always had a fat tongue”, said her publicist, “they sucked a gallon of fat out of it and it looks great”.

Michael Jackson opens free babysitting service

Plastic faced Holocaust denier, Michael Jackson has opened a child-minding center right in the heart of Beverly Hills. “It’s for deprived rich kids”, squealed Jackson, “it’s a place where they can come and play and each room has a special door and I’ll be waiting behind it if they get too close”.

Donny Osmond has already taken his kids to the center. “Michael’s a friend”, smiled Osmond as he kept an eagle eyed watch on a slightly ajar door near his kids.

Nude fish wrestling grips Tinsel town’s finest

All nude male fish wrestling has captured the imagination of some of Hollywood’s brightest stars.

“We’ve had Sean Connery down here. And Will Ferrell dropped by only yesterday with someone else’s kids”, announced owner of Fun Time Wrestle Emporium, Pete Paterson

Ugly Betty star Salma Hyek takes nuns on Rio trip

“Ugly Betty” producer and actress Salma Hayak brought an entire nunnary on a wild weekend to Rio di Janeiro, Brazil.

“They needed a break from all that praying and kneeling and holy stuff”, Hyak smiled, “these nuns are some of the baddest bitches I’ve ever met and I’ve been in Hollywood and Mexico a long time”. All twenty five nuns were arrested and charged with narcotics possession and illegal use of a dwarf.

Princess Leia indulges in spot of execution

Carrie Fisher, who famously played Princess Leia in the “Star Wars” movies, accepted an invitation to execute Falong Gong members while visiting the Chinese Communist Party stronghold of Vine Street Hollywood. “It was fun”, joked Fisher.

Ugly Betty star joins gurning craze

Ugly Betty star America Ferrara has joined the growing Hollywood trend of mass gurning.
“It’s addictive”, she laughed, “we all gather on the sidewalk and start gurning. It’s as simple as that”.

Celebrity "flower sniffer" Prince tries reverse psychology

Squeeling purple midget Prince visits excentric Hollywood hypnotist Marrygold twice weekly to overcome his flower sniffing desires. “He comes in. We talk a little but then get down to business”, tells the Yale educated mystic, “Prince has what we call ‘an acute sensory dependence’ to certain things. The ‘thing’ in this instance is smelling flowers. We attempt reverse psychology by showering him in them, hoping it will trigger an emotional reaction”.

Asked whether he is cured yet, Marrygold shrugged his shoulders and grunted.

Jennifer Aniston in anorexic shocker

Friends star Jennifer Aniston has not been “The Good Girl” lately! While rooting through her garbage, US Weekly reporters discovered hundreds of anorexic people tossed in the trash.

“Aniston was using them as toothpicks. It’s the latest Hollywood craze. Apparently everybody’s at it. Unfortunately Jen was the one we caught.”, went the report.
Aniston has denied the story although she has admitted to feeding excess food to a hired bulimic.