George W Bush gets trapped in public toilet

President George W Bush had a lucky escape after getting trapped in a public toilet in a Dallas shopping mall.

“We saw the whole thing on CCTV”, said Jawanna Myles, “I work with the mall security team and we all laughed when we saw the President get trapped. It was so funny”.

C.I.A officials did not see it that way and a major security plan was put into action with all exits being blocked and a two mile cordon being set up around the mall perimeter.

Rumor has it that Bush dropped the keys to Air Force 1 down the lavatory and attempted to retrieve them but got into trouble when his $480,000 Rolex lodged in the U-bend, effectively trapping the fool.

“The President is unhurt”, said a White House spokesman, “terrorist links are being investigated and further action may yet be taken”.

Reports later in the afternoon came through that an Afghan Rolex factory was bombed by two F-16 fighter jets, but these two events may be unrelated.

Republican candidate Giuliani will “turn back time”

Former New York mayor, Rudolph Giuliani says he want’s America to go back to a safer time.
“You know in the very first Superman movie the bit where Superman flies around the world so fast that time goes backwards and he saves Lois Lane because everything goes back to the way it was before Lex Luthor created the giant earthquake which killed her?”, said an excited Giuliani at a Republican fundraiser, “well that’s what I’m going to do if elected”. When told that pop star e Spears already has a time machine that can do the same thing, Giuliani meekly stepped away from the podium and sat silently in the corner.

Jessica Simpson denies plot to overthrow Pakistani government

“Dukes of Hazard” cardboard cutout Jessica Simpson has denied allegations that she planned a coup to overthrow President Musharaff’s government in Pakistan. “I didn’t so it. Honest”, cried Simpson.

Her sister Ashley Simpson is serving a 5 month jail term for organizing a failed military coup in neighboring Kashmir.

Hilary Clinton battles dry rot

Democratic Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton feels she is facing the toll on her long campaign trail.
“I have dry rot in my wooden leg”, the former first Lady bellowed in her deep baritone voice, “whenever it gives me jip I just think of the brave American pirates who fought for this nation in our time of need all those centuries ago”.

Her potential running mate Barack Obama said Mrs Clinton was a role model to cripples the world over.
“See what this woman has achieved. If every cripple child displayed the courage and integrity of this peg legged white lady then our country will continue to prosper”, he proudly announced.
Former President Bill Clinton is wanted on drugs charges and child trafficking.