Mental patient thanks Oprah for shooting his talking dog

A mental patient has praised the TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey for shooting his poodle with her AK-47 assult rifle.

Alvin Chipmonk, 43, from Housten TX, was ecstatic in his delight at Winfrey’s intervention:
“Oprah, you saved my life. If it wasn’t for you I may just have done something real bad. That dog of mine was a ticking time bomb, always telling me to do bad things”.

Winfrey fired on the dog while out walking with her friend Gayle at the “Benjamin Bonkers Asylum for the Insane” when she came upon the animal.

“Now everybody knows I love my guns”, boomed Winfrey, “and my good friend Gayle said ‘Oprah, look at that talking dog over there’. It was lucky I was carrying my gold-plated Kalashnikov at the time”.

The dog, Mister Tibbs, is in a comfortable position in hospital but doctors say he will never speak again.

Retard movie banned in Oklahoma

A movie directed by Oscar Winner Steven Spielberg has been banned in Oklahoma by city officials.
“Retard” is a family movie about a boy who discovers a magical retard hiding in his garage.

“It’s a tale about a suburban boy whose father has recently passed away and he’s trying to come to terms with his loss”, said Spielberg, “he finds a special friend called Retard who helps him and his family”.

“We cover themes of love, loss, rebellion in this picture”, added Spielberg, “and with the 98% of the movie’s gross, I plan to buy a small South American country and rule it like a Sun God”.

Writer/producer George Lucas elaborated further;
“I can relate to retard a lot. I grew up in a relatively wealthy family, I became a multi millionaire very early in life, I’m now a multi-billionaire with an empire that’s viewed by some as a religion…“, Lucas pauses to stroke his beard, “actually I’m nothing like Retard”.

Retard will be portrayed by scary big mouth Sandra Bernhardt and the boy is being played by Jessica Alba.

James Dean’s hands used as door stop

The severed hands of deceased movie star James Dean, were being using as a door stop in an Arizona diner.

The “Salty Dog” in Phoenix, Az had been using the hands for almost fifty years before a customer remarked how similar they looked to the dead icon.

“One of our regulars, who by the way is retarded, made the connection”, said waitress Elmira, “he stood up on the counter top and screeched at the top of his voice “them’s the hands of Jimmy Dean, them’s the hands of Jimmy Dean”, over and over again. Well, we just thought he was bonkers”.

The hands have now been returned to their legal owner, big haired singer Michael Bolton.

Disney closes retard exhibition

Disney chiefs were left with egg on their faces with their newest theme park attraction, “The Retard Valley”.
“It was poorly thought out”, admitted Roy Disney.

Ryan Seacrest is retarded

American idol host Ryan Seacrest is a retard. I.Q tests discovered on Manhattan landfill show that he scored an I.Q rating of 3. The tests were conducted while Seacrest attended high school. His score is one of the lowest ‘achieved’ in the history of I.Q testing.
“It is remarkable that he has managed to get so far in life. A person scoring so low is generally expected to have a low life expectancy due to the difficulties they face doing basic human functions such as remembering to breath”, said Professor Lansing of the Harvard Medical Centre.