Mental patient thanks Oprah for shooting his talking dog

A mental patient has praised the TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey for shooting his poodle with her AK-47 assult rifle.

Alvin Chipmonk, 43, from Housten TX, was ecstatic in his delight at Winfrey’s intervention:
“Oprah, you saved my life. If it wasn’t for you I may just have done something real bad. That dog of mine was a ticking time bomb, always telling me to do bad things”.

Winfrey fired on the dog while out walking with her friend Gayle at the “Benjamin Bonkers Asylum for the Insane” when she came upon the animal.

“Now everybody knows I love my guns”, boomed Winfrey, “and my good friend Gayle said ‘Oprah, look at that talking dog over there’. It was lucky I was carrying my gold-plated Kalashnikov at the time”.

The dog, Mister Tibbs, is in a comfortable position in hospital but doctors say he will never speak again.

Oprah and Gayle in North Korean Dictator tug of love

Insiders have divulged the secret that threatens to tear apart long time friends Oprah Winfrey and GayleKing.

The wedge that’s come between them is Asian lothario Kim Jong Il who has been attending every recent event with Winfrey in tow. “Gail is jealous as hell”, revealed the insider, “she dated Kim in college and has known him the longest”.

Mayor Bloomberg hates Americans

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has admitted to hating his fellow citizens in a revealing interview with chat show host Oprah. “Look, it’s like this”, he explained, “I love my country but goddamn it I hate the stupid American public with their whiney voices and their flag waving bullsh*t”.

Probed further by Oprah, Bloomberg continued, “You really sicken me, Oprah. Don’t you ever just get sick of listening to yourself and your pointless blathering?”
Bloomberg was roundly praised by Congress for his honesty.

John Travolta is electric

“Look Who’s Talking” goon John Travolta is to generate electricity for his home town of New Jersey. The lard faced star discovered his unique ability while rubbing his knees together.
“I was just sitting on the couch watching TV when all of a sudden my legs brushed against each other and wham, next thing I know it’s like lightening or something. I immediately called Oprah and told her all about it,” he said.
After months of strenuous testing Travolta is ready and the Travolta Power Station will be officially opened by Oprah Winfrey and Kim Jong Il this Thursday.

Oprah Winfrey meets Kim Jong Il

Chat show host Oprah Winfrey has paid a vist to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il's sprawlingWest Virginian ranch.

The Korean Dictator wants to put forward a more gentle side to the western media and requested a meeting with the billionaire tycoon. Sources close to Winfrey say that the two share a common love of antique furniture and sadistic torture. Winfrey was supposedly given a guided tour of Kim's deluxe underground secret military base located beneath the 86 acre ranch.
Oprah has in the past expressed interest in developing a nuclear weapons program but has denied attempting to buy a device from North Korea.

President Bush was also present at the meeting. He served coffee and apple pie on a silver platter made from the tooth fillings of murdered Korean activists.