Hollywood Big Noses gather to celebrate at Annual Event

A glittering array of stars turned out last night for the 42nd annual Nosey’s. Celebrating the best and the brightest big nosed stars, the event attracted such luminaries as Barry Manilow, Barbara Streisand, and Pete Townsend of The Who, who arrived with someone else’s children.

“I’m delighted to be here”, said nominee Sean Penn, “I rowed here in a bathtub after another of my homes burned down but this whole occasion has cheered me up”.

Tennis ace, Steffi Graf spoke briefly: “A few years ago I won Best Supporting Female Nose but this year I’m just happy to be nominated”, she lied.

British big nose Rod Stewart was in great mood: “I bumped into Ronnie Woods (The Rolling Stones) back stage and we shared a hankerchief”.

A special award was posthumously awarded to legendary performer Jimmy Durante for “Outstanding Achievemnt in Big Noseness”.
Full results are available online somewhere - probably.

Paris Hilton Keyboard ensures easy web access to the socialite

A computer keyboard has been launched by Microsoft, which ensures that you get all the latest Paris Hilton news. Dubbed the “Paris-Pad”, the keyboard features a single button marked “Paris Hilton”.
“We aim this product mostly at Paris fans”, said evil Microsoft hunchback, Bill Gates, “but it’s not solely limited to just fans”.

Retailing at $50, the same price as Paris’ mechanical ear, the “Paris-Pad” links directly to the parishilton.crap webpage.

“Why waste time typing in words?”, said Gates, “when all most people want to find out is about Paris Hilton and what she‘s up to”.
Sales of the “Paris-Pad” have sky rocketed, with tabloid journalists most eager to get their hands on the product.

Half Badger, Half Crocodile revealed to be Not Christina Aquilera

Residents of a quite suburb in Miami FL, have breathed a collective sigh of relief following the announcement by Miami Dade PD that a creature discovered in the florida everglades is not singing windbag Christina Aquilera.

At a hastily arranged press conference, Detective Walt Teaser described their finding in detail:
“What we have here is a mammel-reptilian hybrid that is half badger and half crocodile. Forensic results can confirm that it is not in any way related to Christina Aquilera. The state of emergency has been lifted and you can all go safely about your business as normal”

The town of Fiasco was put on red alert after a fisherman came upon the beast nestled in the long grass by a riverbank.
“It scared the heck out of me”, said fisherman Dan Reichter, “I was sure it was one of them Aquilera things”.

Large, hairy men form human shield around Robin Williams house

It has been reported that a human ring of burly hirsute men have gathered around the luxurious home of comedian Robin Williams.

The drastic step was taken following an unidentified callers claim that Williams was to be the latest target of a spate of shaving attacks in the celebrity area’s of Hollywood.

“I was scared sh*tless”, said neighbor and Esperanto speaker, William Shatner, “the thought that something like that could happen in this neighborhood makes me very worried. When I think of what they could have done to Robin‘s hairy shoulders and back it just makes me shiver all over”.

A spokesman for “Selebrity Security”, the security firm employed by Williams and other well known homeowners, explained the “Hairy man” defence technique:
“In order to get to the occupant, the intruder must first fight through the gauntlet of specially trained, extremely hairy men. The assailant, usually armed with a common electric shaver will pretty much always fail as either the blades clog up or he runs out of battery power”.

Police sources say they are hunting a white Caucasian male, dressed like the McDonalds Hamburgler.

Mental patient thanks Oprah for shooting his talking dog

A mental patient has praised the TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey for shooting his poodle with her AK-47 assult rifle.

Alvin Chipmonk, 43, from Housten TX, was ecstatic in his delight at Winfrey’s intervention:
“Oprah, you saved my life. If it wasn’t for you I may just have done something real bad. That dog of mine was a ticking time bomb, always telling me to do bad things”.

Winfrey fired on the dog while out walking with her friend Gayle at the “Benjamin Bonkers Asylum for the Insane” when she came upon the animal.

“Now everybody knows I love my guns”, boomed Winfrey, “and my good friend Gayle said ‘Oprah, look at that talking dog over there’. It was lucky I was carrying my gold-plated Kalashnikov at the time”.

The dog, Mister Tibbs, is in a comfortable position in hospital but doctors say he will never speak again.

Kelly Clarkson urges Pope Benedict to stop stalking her

Original American Idol Winner, Kelly Clarkson has written an open letter to show business paper Vanity urging Pope Benedict XVI to cease his constant following of her.
The letter reads as follows:

“Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Please desist from following me. You are a grown man and father, with another child on the way with Paris Hilton.

You are, like me, a famous person who has responsibilities to your fans and general public. Don’t you feel ashamed? Leave me alone and stop calling me, following me and sending me flowers.

We could never be. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull.

Yours hatefully,

Kelly Clarkson Chubby Singer/ Humanitarian”

The Pontiff has so far made no comment but sources reveal that a pope-mobile matching the description of Benedict’s has been spotted parked across the road from Miss Clarkson’s Hollywood home.

Tom Cruise and John Travolta convert to new Sausagology religion

Tom Cruise and John Travolta have switched from one cult to another equally bonkers one.

“Scientology was fun”, said Travolta, “but I needed something that was crazier and made less sense”.

The growing religion of Sausagology teaches believers that the universe was created by the Great Sausage God zillions of years ago and that the earth and all it’s creatures, including human beings, were formed for the purpose of spreading the gospel of sausage to unsuspecting fools.

“I just think it’s great”, grinned new face of garden gnomes, Cruise, “Sausagology allows me to be who I really am. My life has changed. Plus I don’t have to pay millions of dollars each year to keep the damn religion off my back”.

Meetings take place at various sausage centers around the country, where the congragents gather to talk about sausages and sing songs about sausages and do other sausage-based things.

“But we are forbidden to actually eat sausages”, added Cruise, “which is really hard for John (Travolta) to not do, seeing as he's such a fat bast*rd”.

Communist Party stages Belly Dancing festival of culture

The Chinese Communist Party, noted for it’s charitable works and general kindness, has staged a muti-cultural belly dancing festival along the streets of Bel Air.

“We thought it was time to show our appreciation of our wonderful American friends", said party spokesman Fuk Yu.

The festival, entitled “Jolly Jolly Happy Happy Belly Dancing Time”, attracted a crowd of Communist and non-Communist alike.

“I’m here for the belly’s”, said grizzled actor Nick Nolte.

Another attendee was Professor Steven Hawking and his robot.
“Now this is what I call a Communist Par-tay!”, electronically commented the wheelchair bound Professor.

Fuk Yu was pleased with the days events.
“It was very jolly. Lots of good time had by all and we raise lot of money for our millionaire leaders back home to build nice things for next years Olympic Games”.

Sales of fake voices exceed those of cinema admissions

Spiderman 3 and Transformers may have packed them in at the box-office but movie earnings fall way begind those of fake voices.
Spurred by the demands of Hollywood celebrities, fake accent sales have gone through the roof with prices ranging from $5 to $500,000.

“Madonna is a big spender”, said Jimmy Jimjimwolawolah of fakecelebaccents.crap, “she buys from us all the time, usually Victorian British accents the kind nanny’s used to speak”.

“Mike Myers and Robin Williams are partial to a little fake Scottish, which they tend to uveruse a bit too much for my liking. We have a host of Aussie actors such as the lead guy that was in The Guardian and the main guy from Nip Tuck - now they spend a lot on high grade US accents”.

Celebrity attention such as this has encouraged regular citizens to splash their cash to the tune of almost 8 billion dollars.

“We had a woman from Michigin order a bunch of Romanian accents last week”, said Jimmy, “but I’m guessing it was probably just Madonna again".

New “Best Retard” Oscar to be awarded at Academy Awards Show

Next years Oscar ceremony will see the handing out of a new award for “Best Retard”.

“It’s in recognition of all the hard work some actors put into their performances to be handicapped or deformed in some way”, said Academy spokesman Hugh Aryue.

Tom Hanks, who has won the Best Actor oscar a number of times undeservedly believes he’s in with a chance.

“I have a new film coming out called Mikey the Mongo Boy where I play the title character. Think of it as Forrest Gump meets Sloth from The Goonies”, said the multi-chinned lardy actor.

Brad Pitt also has his eye on the prize.
“I think I could win it just by playing myself”, said Pitt during day release from Angelina Jolie’s care.

Zombie Olympics to be opened by Mel Gibson

The XXIII Zombie Olympiad’s official opening ceremony begins later today with a host of celebrities in attendence.

The Olympic torch will be extinguished by none other than movie star and leper Mel Gibson.

“It is an honor to be chosen”, said Mad Mel, “the extinguishing of the Olympic torch symbolises the removal of the zombie’s greastest fear - fire - and allows the proud athletes to compete in safety”.

Popular events include the 100 meters sprint, which takes over an hour to complete due to the slowness of the competitors.

“What I’m really excited about seeing”, said Gibson, “is the swimming events. The water turns to porridge after a couple of laps”.

Lindsey lohan trains sheep to tapdance for new TV show

Bonkers celebrity bitch, Lindsey Lohan has been busy lately training sheep how to tapdance for a new POX show. Entitled “Lindsey Tap-Dances With Sheep”, the show sees Lindsey undertake to teach different dance moves each week to a group of rythmless sheep.

“It’s a way to combine my two great loves”, said Lohan, “dance and animals”.

Viewers are invited to vote by tele-pole for their favorite sheep each week and which one goes back to the slaughter house.

“Some say it’s cruel”, said producer Alotta Munny, “some say it’s car-crash TV with Lindsey at the steering wheel. Well I say it’s just plain old greed, Baby”.

“Lindsey Tap-Dances With Sheep” debuts September 20 on POX.

Steven Seagal invites fat girls to howl at his house

Tubby 90’s action hero, Steven Seagal has been spotted placing notices on store windows in Boise, Idaho, calling on fat girls to howl at his house.

The notice reads as follows:

Wanted: Big boned girls, aged 18 +, to gather outside the house of once famous action movie star. Ability to howl a bonus. No experience necessary. This is an unpaid position but may lead to further work. Telephone 555 ********.

Locals are confused by the cryptic notice.
“We get a lot of guy’s around here wanting girls to howl at their house”, said one local resident, “but who the hell is this Steven Seagull character?”.

Rap mogul Angela Landsbury promotes new roster of “talent”

“Murder She Wrote” actress and jailed killer Angela Landsbury has been unveiling the roster of new acts she has signed to her “Crack Bitch” label.

Landsbury, who is serving multiple life sentences in San Quentin for murder and kidnapping offences, held a press conference from her prison cell. The acts include “Hairy John”, “Fat Larry” and “Big Boi Caprese”.

"I'm fizzle jizzle to the snizzle whizzle", said Lansbury as she rlled a joint and handed it to her cell mate, Big Bubba.

Due to federal financial regulations, all income from Landsbury’s earnings must be donated to the victims of her crimes, so mafia crime boss John Gotti’s widow is in for another mega windfall.

Braindamaged Pagans encourage Valdimir Putin to shelve boogie-woogie ban

Liza Lotte , the founder and patron of the Brain-dead Pagans Association, has called on peace-loving Russian premier Vladimir "The Body" Putin to end his country’s ban on boogie-woogie music.

“Being brain-damaged pagans, we don’t have much else to do but dance”, said a heartfelt Liza, “music is our release. Mr. Putin has crossed the line in the sand. He has crossed the line between decency and disrespect. He has banned boogie-woogie”.

Russia has targeted the old time music out of fears that it may corrupt the nations peace-loving youth, but small sections of the populace still hold secret boogie-woogie dances in rural village homes.

“ We need peoples to focus on work”, said Russian security advisor, Olga, in comically bad English, “build submarine, build factory, build strong soldier to fight, drink wodka. No time for this boogie-woogie”.

Putin has indicated that he may be willing to make a compromise in exchange for being given control of the Artic Circle, a Moon base, control of all the sea’s of the world and a signed photo of dead Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith.

My Chemical Romance lady-boys dating Maroon 5 lady-boys

The members of crap lady-boy band My Chemical Romance are dating the members of crap lady-boy band Maroon 5.

“A lack of talent, character, originality and attitude brought them together”, said a spokesperson for the two acts.

“Prison Break” actor William Fitchner loves stairs

William Fitchner, who plays Agent Alex Mahone in TV‘s “Prison Break”, loves stairs.

“I love ‘em”, smiled Fitchner, “I can’t get enough of them. When everyone else goes home, I stay two, maybe three hours later just going up and down those stairs”.

The actor feels the fixation appeared after appearing in the TV show “Invasion” in which he played a sheriff.

“That show was quite different”, said Fitchner, “there were very few stairs in any of the scenes. Invasion took place in a rural location and there was hardly any stairs around except for the odd step here and there. But Prison Break…., well Prison Break is the opposite. Every week there are lots and lots of stairs, stair ways, escalators, ramps, you name it they’ve got it”.

Fichtner is looking forward to his next vacation.
“I’m heading to Europe. I want to climb the steps of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and check out the steps leading up to the leaning Tower of Pisa”, said the stair-fixated thespian.