Saving Private Ryan actor collapses from excessive bell ringing

Barry Pepper, who played a religious US sniper in war movie Saving Private Ryan, has collapsed from excessive bell ringing at a 15th century chapel.

James Bond circumnavigates the world in teapot

The names Craig. Daniel Craig! The new James Bond has entered the history books by traveling around the world in a small teapot. “It was exhilarating”, said Craig, “but I shan’t be doing it again”.
The Guinness Book of Records noted that he achieved the feat in 168 days and discovered a new island nation of pygmies as a bonus.

Blade Runner actor Hauer banned from following Golden Girls star

“Blade Runner” and “The Hitcher” actor Rutger Hauer, has been given a warning not to go near troubled “Golden Girls” star Betty White. “I really want to meet her”, growled the mad Dutchman.

Jessica Biel poses for Medical Journal

Former “7th Heaven” sweetie, Jessica Biel is posing for ”Scalpel”, the US Medical Journal. “Since her Playboy spread, Jessica has been looking for ways to push the boundaries of nudity”, stated her drugs counselor, Linda Smithee. The 25-page full color feature will appear on newsstands next month.

Obnoxious brat Hannah Montana has developed Legionnaires disease

Hateful deep voiced toad, “Hannah Montana” actress Miley Cyrus has contracted legionnaires disease whilst camping in the World War I trenches of Europe with her dad Billy Ray Cyrus

Nude fish wrestling grips Tinsel town’s finest

All nude male fish wrestling has captured the imagination of some of Hollywood’s brightest stars.

“We’ve had Sean Connery down here. And Will Ferrell dropped by only yesterday with someone else’s kids”, announced owner of Fun Time Wrestle Emporium, Pete Paterson

Vancouver to Host “Bore Fest”

Vancouver, Canada is to host this years “Bore Fest” which celebrates the dullest Canadian celebrities of the year. “We’ve a top notch line up”, boasts Steve Meiner, “Alanis Moiresette and Dan Ackyrod will be there, James Cameron will be giving a speech, Mike Myers will be doing a 30 minute routine and lots more”.

Ugly Betty star Salma Hyek takes nuns on Rio trip

“Ugly Betty” producer and actress Salma Hayak brought an entire nunnary on a wild weekend to Rio di Janeiro, Brazil.

“They needed a break from all that praying and kneeling and holy stuff”, Hyak smiled, “these nuns are some of the baddest bitches I’ve ever met and I’ve been in Hollywood and Mexico a long time”. All twenty five nuns were arrested and charged with narcotics possession and illegal use of a dwarf.

Tiger Woods teaches Dick Van Dyke how to spin web

Golf master Tiger Woods has taught “Mary Poppins” dancing fool Dick Van Dyke how to spin a spider web.

“He’s a very interesting young man”, ponders Van Dyke, “I never asked but he just started spinning and next thing you know it’s a web. A most remarkable thing”.

That 70’s show stereotype Wilmer Valderama is a Pagan god

Wilmer Valderama, who played exchange student “Fez”, is now a Pagan God. That’s the view expressed by readers of Pagan God Weekly, America’s best selling pagan magazine. “He topped the pole with 96 %”, said amazed editor Dawn Cartwright, “there are people out there who sacrifice goats to him”.

Also on the list were Ricky Schroeder, “Hart to Harts” Stephanie Powers and long dead entertainer Jimmy Durante’s former gardender, Cecil.

“Black Eyed Peas” Fergie wants to “sing on eyerybodys record”

Fergie, the lone female member of “The Black Eyed Peas”, wants to have her voice digitally pasted onto every song recorded dating back to the early 20th century. “People like me very much”, the cat faced squawker commented, “let them hear me on every track the world has ever known”.

Dustin Hoffman signs “French Out” petition

“Tootsie” big nose Dustin Hoffman has signed a petition organised by racist Dakota Fanning calling for the expulsion of French from the United States and it’s surrounding territories.
“I really admire what Dakota is doing”, mumbled Hoffman, “we need more people like her and George Bush”.

Lindsey lohan and Osama Bin Laden no longer dating

“Herbie:Fully Loaded” airhead Lindsey Lohan and Saudi Billionaire Toyboy Osama Bin Laden have split.
“Press intrusion and the paparazzi are to blame”, moaned Lindesy’s manager Mom.

Queen Latifah plays Mohammed on Arab TV

Big boned entertainer Queen Latifah has played her most fun role yet - as the Prophet Mohammed.
“Now I aint no expert on Muslim’s. And to be honest I know next to nothing on this Mohammed dude, but it was nice, real nice“, Latifah babbled. The show featured scenes of Latifah riding horses and wearing a fake beard and was screened on Al Jazeera

Jason Biggs to be immortalised in mount Rushmore

“American Pie” actor Jason Biggs is to have his head carved into Mount Rushmore alongside American political icons Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. “It’s neat”, said Biggs.

Christina Aguilera smells like “dead rats”

Staff at Hollywood KFC took matters into their own hands when they banned “Dirty” wailer Christina Aguilera from an LA eaterie.

“We thought she was a tramp”, said assistant manager Beatrix LaShaine, “she stinks like dead rats. That girl is whack”. Aguilera’s management admitted the big voiced skank has body odour issues.

Imelda Marcos asks Joaquin Phoenix for advice on removing chewing gum from hair

Philipino shoe lover Imelda Marcos has sought the advice of “Gladiator” Emperor Joaquin Phoenix with regard to how best to remove chewing gum from her hair. “I told her to hold some ice to it and then to break it off once it froze”, shared the star

Princess Leia indulges in spot of execution

Carrie Fisher, who famously played Princess Leia in the “Star Wars” movies, accepted an invitation to execute Falong Gong members while visiting the Chinese Communist Party stronghold of Vine Street Hollywood. “It was fun”, joked Fisher.

White Stripes singer dazzles audience with aerobatic display

“White Stripes” front man Jack White stunned concert goers with his aerobatic display of levetation during a show in Detroit. “I didn’t know he could do that”, gasped band member Meg.

Donald Rumsfeld crushes Rene Zellweger

Former Whitehouse loon Donald Rumsfeld has admitted to trying to crush “Jerry Maguire” actress Rene Zellweger, between a bookcase and wall.

“I don’t know what came over me”, admitted the 75 year old, “something in me just clicked. Her rosie cheeks reminded me of apples which, logically lead me to think of terrorist activities. Now that just made my blood boil”.
Mr. Rumsfeld has apologised to Zellweger.

Wesley Snipes and Alias actor excommunicated the Catholic church

Wesley Snipes and “Alias” actor Michael Vartan have been excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church by Supreme pontiff Pope Benedict XVI. Vatican spokesman Angelo Beneducci said the stars were “heretics to the good name of the one true faith”.

Snipes and Vartan were the instigators of a riot at the Playboy Pope's retreat in Bangkok, Thailand.

Crocodile hunter widow allergic to shame

Steve Irwins widow Terri, has told the Australian press that she is allergic to shame.
“When Steve died people thought I came across as cold and fame hungry, but it’s not like that”, exposed the grieving animal lover, “I am medically allergic to any form of shame. Promoting myself, my daughter and our TV shows, movies and books was the only way to prevent me from breaking out in a rash”.

Brad Pitt changes names to “Hoggis Moon Rack”

Stoner “Fight Club” actor Brad Pitt has changed his name by deed pole to “Hoggis Moon Rack”.
“People will now take him more seriously”, believes his PA, Brenda.