U2 frontman sells orphans on eBay

Bono, the lead singer of Irish rockers U2 has been caught selling African orphans on Internet auction site eBay again. “It’s against company policy to sell humans. The seller in question has been banned”, stated an eBay spokesperson.

Bishop Desmond Tutu wins big in Las Vegas

Former Chairman of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Bishop Desmond Tutu, struck it rich at the slot machines on a wild weekend in Vegas. “I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams”, cackled the religious man as he gathered the 6 million dollar prize.

Bishop Tutu was accompanied by Carmen Electra, Wini Mandela and David Spade.

Bon Jovi to release “worst of “album

Bon Jovi front man Jon Bon Jovi intends to release a “worst of” compilation before the years end.
“We have such a bad back catalogue that it seems a shame not to do a special compilation of songs. Our fans will buy anything we release”, he snorted, “and we intend to tour with it too. I love money so much”.

Survivor Winner is a cannibal

Survivor’s season one winner Richard Hatch has announced that he is a cannibal. The crafty millionaire shocked contestants with his nudity and straight talking but reveals in a tell all book that there was some real life backstabbing going on behind the scenes.

“When the camera’s stopped rolling I used to go into psycho mode”, boasts hatch, “I was better than them. They knew that. So I ate some of them.”

He also implicates host Jeff Probst in the sneaky shenanigans, “Jeff was in on it too. He liked the smell of flesh. He probably still does too”.

Shrek star attacks Sister Sister sisters

Shrek star Mike Myers has attacked the performance of twins Tia and Tamara Mowry of Sister Sister fame.
“They are without doubt the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen”, the not funny comedian said in a fake unrealistic accent, “nobody acts like those two. Their hand movements and general physical demeanour leaves a lot to be desired”.

Myers was responding to the sisters new performance art installation piece at the Sands Resort hotel in Las Vegas. The show which is a massive crowd pleaser and money maker has upset Myers.
“Twins holding the same pose for over two hours is not my idea of fun”, he griped.

Trump trapped in mine

Millionaire and terrorist, Ivana Trump has become the centre of rescue efforts at a South African mine.
The loaded lady was apparently visiting the mine to hang out with 6 of her 22 boyfriends. Events turned sour when they became trapped 2 miles underground at the gold mine in Pretoria, South Africa.

Rescuers say she and the other miners have a “slim to none” chance of survival but upon hearing of her wealth they raised the odds to “very strong”. Her former husband Billionaire ginger head Donald Trump has expressed an interest in seeing her die.