Joan Rivers stretches her face to Antarctica

Occasionally funny lady Joan Rivers has stretched her face all the way from New York to the ice laden continent Antarctica.

“What can I say, I’m a crazy bitch with an elastic face”, said Ms Rivers.

Woody Allen and Jocelyne Wildenstein to write children’s books

Comic icon Woody Allen is to write a series of children’s books based on the facelifts of Cat faced freak Jocelyne Wildenstein. The move by Simon and Shuster to sign up the “Annie Hall” writer/director is seen as a major coup in the New York publishing world.

The first book, a 5 word tale with photographs will explore Wildenstein’s state of mind before undergoing exhaustive plastic surgery on her eyes, cheeks, lips and brow. Woody commented, “I would like to say a sincere thank you to a wonderful. No a fantastical. No that’s not the word I’m looking for. Well whatever. She’s a great lady, Miss Wildenstein. She has character. She has a life. A life is very important. Never ever forget that.”
Miss Wildenstein was unable to speak. Literally

Stallone has a tail

“Don’t throw momma Off the train” star Sly Stallone has postponed shooting his latest blockbuster “Year of the Snow cone” due to “health related” reasons. Despite denials from his camp, insiders have disclosed that Sly has a problem with his curly tail.

Stallone’s tail has featured heavily in the press since it was first used to great effect in “Cobra” and “Driven”. In December 1989 Variety described it as “the finest human tail in cinematic history”, but behind the glamour lay painful difficulties. Stallone underwent at least six operations to have it straightened but each was unsuccessful. This latest tail-related disruption could signal a halt to his newly revitalised career

Loni Anderson and Burt Reynolds merge

Former couple Loni Anderson and Burt Reynolds have asked their plastic surgeon to surgically connect themselves to each other. The duo’s faltering fame has meant that they no longer can demand column inches in the national press.

Renowned cosmetic surgeon Dr Manfred Frederic commented: “As the old adage goes ‘two heads are better than one‘. Loni And Burt may be taking this to the extreme but after the operation they’ll be the toast of tinsel town once again. Look how popular conjoined twins are. Everybody loves ‘em. Well think of Burt and Loni as celebrity conjoined twins.”